Macabe's Weight Loss Journal

[Macabe]

I had a "journal" on the old board, and the support helped me lose about 35 lbs and get down to the weight where I feel really comfortable. In the past 6 months, I have been pregnant 3 times, lost all three, and in the process gained about 25 lbs.

I feel so unhealthy, and it's stupid but I hate that I can't "blame" it on my pregnancy. After all, everyone expects a woman who just gave birth to have some extra poundage. Sometimes I feel like wearing a sign "I know I'm fat, but I was pregnant thrice." Don't know why I feel such a need to justify myself. Part of it is that so many people know I did Weight Watchers last time. I was very successful. I didn't have one week that I gained. I did the program and reached my goal weight in a very reasonable amount of time. I was an inspiration to people at work. Blug.

So here I am. I'm a lifetime member 25 pounds over goal. I went to a meeting tonight and I guess I'll start going again. The truth is, it's a great program, but I hate Weight Watchers. I hate "watching" my weight. I feel like I have a chronic medical condition and I can never stop thinking about it or I'll get really sick. When I'm on program, it's like the focus of my life. But I can't live my life like that long term. I'm not sure what the solution is.

Okay, so this is bloggy. But I called it my "journal" so you were warned.

ETA: I guess I should put in my starting weight so I can keep track.

Starting weight: 156.2.
Goal weight: 135
Current weight: 156.2
Amount lost: 0

[The_Babycakes]

:( I am so sad to hear about your loss', what a blow. I can't even imagine how difficult things have been emotionally for you these past 6mths. The good thing is that you're here now and ready to make a change. You already know what you gotta do, you've accomplished so much before. Try to remember how good that felt. Eating right and excersizing does wonders for you emotionally too.

I get sick of watching my weight, what I eat, how much, write it down, water, excersize, blah, blah, blah...but I know that for me it's a lifestyle change. Maybe one day when I am strong enough I won't have to worry about it, but I know that right now I need to do this to healthy and happy with myself. You're worth the effort. :hug:

Oh, and if you aren't excited about going back to weight watchers, maybe you can try another program? I know almost everyone that does ww is successful, but you shouldn't start a new journey dragging your feet, you know?

[Stella]

Sending hugs to Macabe. :hug:

[Macabe]

Babycakes, you're such an inspiration! Do you mind saying how it is you lost the weight? I suppose it was eating less and exercising more. :roflol I guess that's what it always comes down to.

I'm short, and that makes everything harder. I'm not trying to make excuses, but it drives me crazy. If I were a normal height, I could eat a "normal" amount (normal in my mind). But I'm small, so no matter what I have to eat less. I even lied to Weight Watchers about my height, because if I told them the truth I would have been in such a low weight category I might as well not even try, because I'll never, ever get there.

I already started the day out wrong. I didn't bring my journal to work, and I forgot the book that tells you how many points are in things. I wish I had my old journal from the old boards. I had a ton of recipes, points values, etc. there. *sigh* Last time around I lost 6.7 lbs my first week. So I know that this time, even if I lose some, I'm going to feel like it's not enough because it won't be like last time.

Yeah, I'm feeling really negative about this. Which I know isn't good. I'm not even sure why I went to a meeting yesterday. I guess there's part of me that's ready to start losing, or at least stop gaining.

But why the hell did I do it now right before the holidays? I want to bake dozens of cookies with my kids. I want to plan big, fancy meals for the holidays! I want candy. :(

I'm such a complainer. Yesterday after I wrote my initial post, I thought about the analogy to a chronic medical condition. I was actually thinking about GEG's daughter, who has diabetes, and how GEG does have to think about every bite that her daughter eats, and that someday, as the little girl grows up, it will be on her alone to think about it. I felt pretty petty. If that sweet, innocent little girl can do it, I should be able to. I just don't feel very strong right now.

[hollydawn]

Macabe --:hug: I'm so sorry for all you've been through.

I wished we lived in the same town-we could sit through the WW meetings together. I've been to two now and for some reason I am incredibly uncomfortable at them. I'm sure it will get better though.

Hang in there-we are all here for you.

[Unicorn]

Hey Macabe!!

Welcome! So glad that you started this journal, even if you are feeling a little ambivalent right now. I can totally understand that after bouncing back up again. I did the same, and sometimes now feel like "I already did this!". So sorry on your recent miscarriages. If your body has been cycling hormonally, that can certainly contribute to where you are right now, both weight and mood wise.

I would say continue going to meetings, and at least write down what you eat even if you cannot add up the points until later in the day. That way you can get more of a realistic view of what you eat. Start with small changes, even if if means you will not see a huge bump in the scale. At least it will move you in the right direction!

[Macabe]

Okay, I'm writing down everything so I won't forget.
Daily goal: 21
Breakfast (2) : Oatmeal packet
Lunch (7) : BLT (Bread = 4, Bacon = 3, LT = 0) and a green salad (0)
Snack (2): Special K 90 calorie bar

I went to the cafeteria for lunch today, to try to prove to myself I could eat there sometimes even if I'm on program. I ordered a BLT and a salad. They brought me a BLT with fries. I have never in my life sent a meal back that fast!

10 points left for the day. That sounds doable unless I start to binge on chocolate and cookies. Maybe I'll make the Weight Watchers beef/orzo soup for dinner. That's one meal that never makes me feel like I'm eating "diet" food.

[Macabe]

So I logged on to the Weight Watchers eTools thing yesterday, and even though the meeting told me I'm only supposed to have 21 points a day, it gave me 22. Okidoki, we'll see. I ate 22.5 points or so yesterday, so that's pretty good I guess. The good thing is I don't have to carry around my journal to work, I can use the etools instead, which is pretty cool.

I skipped breakfast inadvertently this morning (I usually take a break at work around 8:30 for breakfast, but got caught up in work) and now I'm starving and it's so close to lunch I don't want to eat breakfast.

Eh.. I have a 1 point bar I'll indulge in.

[Baobab]

Hi Macabe,
Welcome (back) to the boards. I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. It sounds like the last few months have been very difficult for you. I think it is inspiring that you are trying to reclaim control of your health, even though it feels like such a struggle for you right now. I totally relate to so much of your post. I've been on WW since the beginning of September and I've lost 25 lbs. It has been really empowering for me and I'm thankful for the program, but I'm beginning to feel much of the same discouragement that you posted about. I really hate going into the holiday season knowing that I have to scrutinize every single thing I put in my mouth and that I can never just have a treat or a drink without mentally calculating the points in my head and the exercise I'll have to do or the food I'll have to trade just to indulge a little bit. I keep waiting for it to become second nature to always make the healthy choice instead of the more satisfying unhealthy one, but it hasn't happened yet. Sometimes when I think about a lifetime of this, I feel exhausted.

I try to keep myself going by acknowledging all the positive things I've gained over the past few months. Not just weight loss, but also more physical endurance, a better self-image, higher energy level. Do you have any non-weight related goals that you could focus on so that you are not so fixated on your food intake and what the scale says? For me, I've been measuring a lot of my success in the number of miles and number of minutes I can run. That helps me stay positive and focused even when I've over-indulged or the scale moves the wrong way. Somehow, it doesn't feel as exhausting to think of recording my distance or running times for the rest of my life.

I hope you feel better as you continue to go to meeting and remember that you are a strong, capable woman. And when you are feeling down, vent away on these boards. That is what we are here for :).

[Macabe]

Baobab, thank you for that post. Just wondering--did you have another username? Did I know you on the old boards?

That post was a wonderful reminder to think about non-weight goals. One of my biggest problems right now is that I can't fit into my clothes any more. Nothing fits me except some big skirts and my maternity clothes--and I don't have many, because I borrowed most of my maternity stuff and already returned it! So my goal now is to fit into some of my non-maternity clothes. That will also help me start to feel better about myself, because I know right now I look totally "frumpified" as my DD would say.

[Macabe]

Why is it that when I'm on a diet, I'm always hungry? Even if I eat what I consider a "normal" meal (as opposed to an "I'm almost out of points what can I have for dinner?" meal.). I know it's got to be psychological, but damn I'm hungry.

[The_Babycakes]

Ya, being hungry sucks. I feel your pain. I've found that some days I'll be hungry as hell and want to eat non-stop while there are other days that it's not that hard. I suppose it cycles or something. I've also found that excersize helps a great deal and is a natural appetite suppresant.

[Macabe]

I weighed myself this morning and I think I'm down a few. My scale sucks, so I don't "count" it until I do my official weigh-in at Weight Watchers. But I feel good that at least something is moving. I just hope I don't "burn out" on it before I really start to change my lifestyle. I can't believe it's already Monday--my weigh-in day is Tuesday.

I have around 30 flex points left so far this week. I could totally splurge today, but I won't. Maybe just a little because I've been feeling so deprived. But I want to start out my "first" week with a bang and a big weight-loss.

[Macabe]

Weigh-in tonight.
Why oh why did I pick night-time meetings? I feel like I have to eat "light" today so I don't artificially inflate my weight. Oh, bother.

[carterandcalliesmom]

Weigh-in tonight.
Why oh why did I pick night-time meetings? I feel like I have to eat "light" today so I don't artificially inflate my weight. Oh, bother.


Good luck Macabe! I will be thinking of you. I would much rather weigh in the mornings - it seems like I gain 2-3 pounds by nighttime :(
I just started reading everyone's journals and hope you don't mind me jumping in - you are all doing so great and I am hoping to get my butt moving too! :)

[Macabe]

Please feel free to "jump in" C&CsMom. That's what we're here for--to get and give support. I don't know how great I'm doing yet, though, as my first weigh-in is tonight! I have been staying within my points for the week, so I should be down a couple, I would guess. I'll be really disappointed if I'm not!

[Macabe]

Okay, so I'm really disappointed. I was "down" .6. Not even a whole pound! And I don't really even thing I was down because I weighed-in after dinner last week, and before dinner this week. What the hell! I stayed within my points, I only used 10 flex points for the week, I journaled every bite, and I didn't lose???

I'm so disappointed I can't believe it. DH said "wait another week" and I'm like "Wait for WHAT!??!?!?!"

[carterandcalliesmom]

Okay, so I'm really disappointed. I was "down" .6. Not even a whole pound! And I don't really even thing I was down because I weighed-in after dinner last week, and before dinner this week. What the hell! I stayed within my points, I only used 10 flex points for the week, I journaled every bite, and I didn't lose???

I'm so disappointed I can't believe it. DH said "wait another week" and I'm like "Wait for WHAT!??!?!?!"

so sorry you are disappointed- maybe you have gained some muscle? I personally can go weeks either maintaining or only losing less than a lb. and then wham, i lose a few. I hope this is the case for you! Even if the scale doesn't reflect it, you ARE doing great!

[Macabe]

No, I'm sure it's not muscle gain. I haven't been exercising or anything. I just don't get it. Blug. I'm thinking I might switch to Saturday mornings again, so I can weigh before eating or anything. But the receptionist/leader was really nice to me, and told me to print my journals next week so she could look at them. So I'm going to keep going to this meeting again next week, I guess. I don't know. I'm so discouraged.

[carterandcalliesmom]

No, I'm sure it's not muscle gain. I haven't been exercising or anything. I just don't get it. Blug. I'm thinking I might switch to Saturday mornings again, so I can weigh before eating or anything. But the receptionist/leader was really nice to me, and told me to print my journals next week so she could look at them. So I'm going to keep going to this meeting again next week, I guess. I don't know. I'm so discouraged.

I feel ya, I am not going to weigh myself until next week or else I get too hung up on it. I am trying right now just to be happy with eating healthy and staying within my calories - small victories. Keep your head up!
Oh, I personally would do mornings too. It might make a big difference. (I think the main thing is to just be weighed consistently as far as when and what you are wearing too)

[Macabe]

Well, I had off yesterday so I weighed in first thing in the morning before I ate anything. I was down about 5. Really, I think the first week I was down a couple, and last week I lost a few more. I just don't see how it's physically possible for me not to have lost weight that first week.

Anyway, I guess I feel better about things.

But today is the office Christmas party. Eek! There's so many good looking desserts. The good thing is that technically today is the last day of my weight-watchers "week" and I still have 29 flex points left. I just really don't want to gain this week, or ANY week!

[Macabe]

I had a totally awful day yesterday food-wise, but made one good choice at the end of the day! So, congratulate me or something, because I need to feel good about something!

Yesterday: Skipped breakfast. McD's for lunch, where I got a respectable 8 point salad, but ate half of DS's chicken nuggets and fries.

Then 3:00 rolls around and DD wants an afternoon snack. Ramen noodles! Did you know ramen noodles are EIGHT points. Eek!

So that was my points for the day. But when I made spaghetti and meat sauce for my dinner, I also made myself a big garden salad (0 points), with a bit of grilled chicken (3 points), and point-frree dressing. So, I salvaged myself a bit!!!!

[StElmosFire]

Sounds like you ended the day well!
Try to get in something, anything for breakfast. Your metabolism starts when you start eating, if it's later in the day, that tends to slow it down, KWIM?
Your doing good mama!

[steph76]

I agree with Chrystal, ya gotta eat breakfast.
One thing I have found that is very filling and only 3 points is the Fiber One bars. Great to eat in the car if you have a hectic morning.
Hope you are having a good day!

[Macabe]

Well, I have my first minor success. I just barely fit back into my "fat" pants. They're still tight, but at least I'm no longer limited to my maternity pants, 2.5 years after my son was born!

[Macabe]

Had a good weigh-in on Tuesday night (down 2.8) then totally splurged yesterday. Alot.

Bugger.

[carterandcalliesmom]

Had a good weigh-in on Tuesday night (down 2.8) then totally splurged yesterday. Alot.

Bugger.


Today is a NEW day! It will be better and don't stress about the past - if you are anything like me you will sabotage your efforts by doing so! :) Keep it up, you can do it! :) We need a little cheerleader smiley :)

[Macabe]

Literally on the next table over from me, here at work, are the most amazing hand-dipped specialty chocolate-covered strawberries I've ever seen in my life. As well as a big bag of M&Ms. And various berries and fruits covered in a chocolate and candy coating. OMG. It's just sitting there.

I had one strawberry. 100 points. I had like 10 chocolate/candy covered blueberries/cherries/cranberries/etc. Now I'm eating a Clementine. And those chocolates are just sitting there.

I really have to stop eating so much. I've been doing great! I lost 8 lbs in the past 3 weeks. I can't go back now.......