CaptHeather
10-19-2007, 01:22 PM
Pages: 1 | 2 | >> (show all)
pinky
The hardest part about losing my son, is that it's like he was never here. I have so little to remind me of him. I had an emergency c section, and was so drugged afterwards that I barely remember holding him. I have a few really bad polaroids of him, his baby book is partially filled out. I have the blanket he was wrapped in, his ultrasound picture, and his baby hat. I have only one picture of me being pregnant for goodness sake!
It's so hard to go back to that day, it was almost 12 years ago, but it's still hard to think about.
A friend of ours recently lost their son, and it brought back so many memories.
I had a miscarriage a few years before my son was stillborn. It was very hard, but I was only 17, and I knew I wasn't ready for a baby then. I of course wanted the baby (the miscarriage) and it hurt me badly, but nothing hurt like losing my son at almost full term.
We were very excited to find out we were pregnant, my best friend was a few months ahead of me, and we were really excited to be having our children around the same time. It was hard, because I was only 19, and my dh had only been on his job for about 6 months. We lived with his parents, but we were happy about this pregnancy. All I had ever wanted was to be a mom.
I felt very strongly that this baby was a boy, and I bought a few boy items. Sleepers and things, bought a crib, baby towels, diapers, baby book, stroller. I felt ready for this baby to be born. I remember telling my dh that we needed to get a bumper pad for his bed, and we would be ready for him to be born!
My mom had a baby shower for me in April. I had gotten a baby bath tub, and my dh had bought a diaper genie for me. I had really wanted one of those, and he had snuck it to the shower. It was really sweet that he had done that.
A few weeks later on Mother's Day I had started to feel a little bit of pain. It was then that I probably lost him. I dind't know what to feel, I didn't know I should still feel a lot of movement from him. It wasn't like all of a sudden I didn't feel movement, so I wasn't aware that he was gone.
On Friday the 13th, I had a doctors appointment. I was 35 weeks. Sitting in the doctors office I had a premonition that they couldn't find the heartbeat. Oddly, a few weeks later my SIL and I had just talked about babies dying in utero, but it hadn't occured to me that this COULD happen. But sitting in that waiting room, I had a bad feeling. It had nothing to do with not feeling movement, because I was having little contractions and thought they were movements.
I went back to the room, where they measured and then listend with the doppler. The doctor checked quite a few spots on my belly, but heard no heart beat. He scehduled me for an ultrasound in 2 hours. I had to go get my dh from work, and drink the required water.
I drove the short distance to my dh's work in a fog. I couldn't really think that my baby was gone, I just thought that I'd have to have him very quickly or something. I'm glad really that I was so naive about the whole thing, otherwise I'd have had a much harder time.
I went in to his work and the secretary paged him on the CB. I told him they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat so come back quickly. The guy who was working with him got him back in 20 min. instead of the 45 that it should have taken.
I sat outside his work in the car and wrote in a little notebook that I'd had in my purse "God please don't let my baby die" I didn't know that he was already gone.
We went back to his mom's and I drank the water. I layed on the couch while everyone talked in the other room in hushed tones. I didn't want to hear what they were saying. I knew they thought he was already gone. I didn't want to think that yet. It was a mistake, the baby was just turned sideways. They would see he was ok on the ultrasound, I thought.
We had the ultrasound, the tech was very nice, she pointed out parts to us. I know she knew from the begining that the baby was gone, but she kept upbeat. She printed out a picture for us. We had no clue where to look for a heartbeat, and again, I think my naivety saved me from complete meltdown!
A few minutes later we were going to head to get some food, but my dr. stopped us in the hall and told us very gently that the baby was gone. All I could say to my dh was that all we needed was the bumper, we are all ready for this baby, he can't be gone.
Somehow we got to the OB ward, and into a room. The nurses were very kind, and the dr. was with us the whole time. Usually, you know the dr.s' aren't in there when the nurse is doing her whole thing, setting up the iv and all that, but he stayed with us. It was a comfort to see him sitting in the chair. He was doing nothing, but it was nice that he was there. He was a good christian man, and later told us about his own loss years ago.
They started inducing labor, and by the evening it wasn't progressing, so they offered me a sedative. I gladly accepted it, as I just wanted the pain in my heart to go away. I felt bad after taking it though, because my dh was still awake to deal with his loss. I could hear him crying as I drifted off, and I wanted to sooth him, but I was in a fog, and couldn't. There have been so few times that my dh has cried. He cried a few years earlier when his beloved grandmother had passed away, and then when our son died. I have not seen him cry since.
Very early the next morning, my labor was progressing, but not very well. The baby was turned sideways, and his shoulder was wedged into my cervix. They consulted with a speciality doctor in another city.
After a few hours, the baby was starting to slowly birth, but they were worried about my uterus prolapsing, the way that he was presenting. After another consult, they decided to rush me into surgery.
They had no choice but to put me under general anesthisia, which I was happy about. I knew I couldn't bear to having my child come out and not hear him cry. They quickly prepped me and let my dh come back with me to surgery.
My poor husband had to endure his son being born without having me by his side. Well I was by his side, but I was unconcious. The nurse who was in the room told me she lost it when she looked up and saw my dh holding my hand and silently crying.
Later as I woke up, they brought the baby to me, they had him wrapped up in a blanket and everyone was there to see him. I held him, but barely remember it. I remember singing to him, as I use to sing Hush little baby to him while he was still safe in my womb.
I wish someone would have taken pictures. To this day, I always hope someone willcome to me and say, "Oh, I forgot to tell you I did take pictures that day, here they are!"
After he was delivered they took some polaraoids of him, and gave us a few of them. His arm was very red, and his mouth was open,. He didn't look like a baby in those pictures. He looked like a corpse. I can't bring myself to even look at the pictures.
Later that evening, after everyone left, they offered to bring him back to us. He was in the morgue at this point. We thought that if he stayed in the morgue (where it was cold) they'd have a better chance of imbalming him, and we'd be able to have an open casket. We really wanted all our friends and family to see him. It was very important to us. I don't know why it was.
I wish we would have said yes, bring him back to us.
The nurse did go down and take more pictures, but he was somewhat darker, like ashen, and you can see the green glow of the morgue lights. It kills me that we didn't get a decent picture.
The guy who did the embalming and funeral was my best friends step dad.
He was stillborn on Saturday and the funeral was on Wednesday. The funeral guy tried very hard to embalm my tiny baby and have him look decent, but he coudln't do it. They recomended a closed casket.
I still wanted to see him one last time though, just to make sure he was ok.
We had bought 2 teddy bears one pink and one blue and we put the blue one in his casket, later when our dd was born we gave the pink one to her. She still has it.
We walked into the funeral and went straight to the back of the church to talk with the pastor, who was my dh's uncle. We had already arranged everything and chose the song "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton to play at the funeral.
pinky
The hardest part about losing my son, is that it's like he was never here. I have so little to remind me of him. I had an emergency c section, and was so drugged afterwards that I barely remember holding him. I have a few really bad polaroids of him, his baby book is partially filled out. I have the blanket he was wrapped in, his ultrasound picture, and his baby hat. I have only one picture of me being pregnant for goodness sake!
It's so hard to go back to that day, it was almost 12 years ago, but it's still hard to think about.
A friend of ours recently lost their son, and it brought back so many memories.
I had a miscarriage a few years before my son was stillborn. It was very hard, but I was only 17, and I knew I wasn't ready for a baby then. I of course wanted the baby (the miscarriage) and it hurt me badly, but nothing hurt like losing my son at almost full term.
We were very excited to find out we were pregnant, my best friend was a few months ahead of me, and we were really excited to be having our children around the same time. It was hard, because I was only 19, and my dh had only been on his job for about 6 months. We lived with his parents, but we were happy about this pregnancy. All I had ever wanted was to be a mom.
I felt very strongly that this baby was a boy, and I bought a few boy items. Sleepers and things, bought a crib, baby towels, diapers, baby book, stroller. I felt ready for this baby to be born. I remember telling my dh that we needed to get a bumper pad for his bed, and we would be ready for him to be born!
My mom had a baby shower for me in April. I had gotten a baby bath tub, and my dh had bought a diaper genie for me. I had really wanted one of those, and he had snuck it to the shower. It was really sweet that he had done that.
A few weeks later on Mother's Day I had started to feel a little bit of pain. It was then that I probably lost him. I dind't know what to feel, I didn't know I should still feel a lot of movement from him. It wasn't like all of a sudden I didn't feel movement, so I wasn't aware that he was gone.
On Friday the 13th, I had a doctors appointment. I was 35 weeks. Sitting in the doctors office I had a premonition that they couldn't find the heartbeat. Oddly, a few weeks later my SIL and I had just talked about babies dying in utero, but it hadn't occured to me that this COULD happen. But sitting in that waiting room, I had a bad feeling. It had nothing to do with not feeling movement, because I was having little contractions and thought they were movements.
I went back to the room, where they measured and then listend with the doppler. The doctor checked quite a few spots on my belly, but heard no heart beat. He scehduled me for an ultrasound in 2 hours. I had to go get my dh from work, and drink the required water.
I drove the short distance to my dh's work in a fog. I couldn't really think that my baby was gone, I just thought that I'd have to have him very quickly or something. I'm glad really that I was so naive about the whole thing, otherwise I'd have had a much harder time.
I went in to his work and the secretary paged him on the CB. I told him they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat so come back quickly. The guy who was working with him got him back in 20 min. instead of the 45 that it should have taken.
I sat outside his work in the car and wrote in a little notebook that I'd had in my purse "God please don't let my baby die" I didn't know that he was already gone.
We went back to his mom's and I drank the water. I layed on the couch while everyone talked in the other room in hushed tones. I didn't want to hear what they were saying. I knew they thought he was already gone. I didn't want to think that yet. It was a mistake, the baby was just turned sideways. They would see he was ok on the ultrasound, I thought.
We had the ultrasound, the tech was very nice, she pointed out parts to us. I know she knew from the begining that the baby was gone, but she kept upbeat. She printed out a picture for us. We had no clue where to look for a heartbeat, and again, I think my naivety saved me from complete meltdown!
A few minutes later we were going to head to get some food, but my dr. stopped us in the hall and told us very gently that the baby was gone. All I could say to my dh was that all we needed was the bumper, we are all ready for this baby, he can't be gone.
Somehow we got to the OB ward, and into a room. The nurses were very kind, and the dr. was with us the whole time. Usually, you know the dr.s' aren't in there when the nurse is doing her whole thing, setting up the iv and all that, but he stayed with us. It was a comfort to see him sitting in the chair. He was doing nothing, but it was nice that he was there. He was a good christian man, and later told us about his own loss years ago.
They started inducing labor, and by the evening it wasn't progressing, so they offered me a sedative. I gladly accepted it, as I just wanted the pain in my heart to go away. I felt bad after taking it though, because my dh was still awake to deal with his loss. I could hear him crying as I drifted off, and I wanted to sooth him, but I was in a fog, and couldn't. There have been so few times that my dh has cried. He cried a few years earlier when his beloved grandmother had passed away, and then when our son died. I have not seen him cry since.
Very early the next morning, my labor was progressing, but not very well. The baby was turned sideways, and his shoulder was wedged into my cervix. They consulted with a speciality doctor in another city.
After a few hours, the baby was starting to slowly birth, but they were worried about my uterus prolapsing, the way that he was presenting. After another consult, they decided to rush me into surgery.
They had no choice but to put me under general anesthisia, which I was happy about. I knew I couldn't bear to having my child come out and not hear him cry. They quickly prepped me and let my dh come back with me to surgery.
My poor husband had to endure his son being born without having me by his side. Well I was by his side, but I was unconcious. The nurse who was in the room told me she lost it when she looked up and saw my dh holding my hand and silently crying.
Later as I woke up, they brought the baby to me, they had him wrapped up in a blanket and everyone was there to see him. I held him, but barely remember it. I remember singing to him, as I use to sing Hush little baby to him while he was still safe in my womb.
I wish someone would have taken pictures. To this day, I always hope someone willcome to me and say, "Oh, I forgot to tell you I did take pictures that day, here they are!"
After he was delivered they took some polaraoids of him, and gave us a few of them. His arm was very red, and his mouth was open,. He didn't look like a baby in those pictures. He looked like a corpse. I can't bring myself to even look at the pictures.
Later that evening, after everyone left, they offered to bring him back to us. He was in the morgue at this point. We thought that if he stayed in the morgue (where it was cold) they'd have a better chance of imbalming him, and we'd be able to have an open casket. We really wanted all our friends and family to see him. It was very important to us. I don't know why it was.
I wish we would have said yes, bring him back to us.
The nurse did go down and take more pictures, but he was somewhat darker, like ashen, and you can see the green glow of the morgue lights. It kills me that we didn't get a decent picture.
The guy who did the embalming and funeral was my best friends step dad.
He was stillborn on Saturday and the funeral was on Wednesday. The funeral guy tried very hard to embalm my tiny baby and have him look decent, but he coudln't do it. They recomended a closed casket.
I still wanted to see him one last time though, just to make sure he was ok.
We had bought 2 teddy bears one pink and one blue and we put the blue one in his casket, later when our dd was born we gave the pink one to her. She still has it.
We walked into the funeral and went straight to the back of the church to talk with the pastor, who was my dh's uncle. We had already arranged everything and chose the song "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton to play at the funeral.