CaptHeather
10-19-2007, 12:24 PM
Murphy's Law
Member
Reged: 03/17/05
Posts: 3822
Loc: Red Sox Nation August 16
#287018 - 08/16/06 07:13 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply
Today my first born should have turned 4 years old. Instead, his birth is marked by painful and increasingly distant memories. From my journal:
~~~4 years ago~~~9:08pm
I am feeling rather emotional. This is likely to become long. I am crying before I even write anything!
I have no idea why my emotions are such a mess lately. It could be the fact that my child was supposed to turn 4 years old tomorrow. It could be the fact that he barely turned 4 months - nevermind 4 years, before we were forced to say a final goodbye and put him into the ground.
It could be the recent wave of little boys (those born and those expected to be born) all around us. It is so hard not to be jealous. I want my sons more than anything in the world right now. And I am painfully aware that it just is not possible.
So where was I?
4 years ago, almost at this very second, my water broke. At that second I began a journey of labor without even having a real sense of what the word truly meant. I am not talking about contractions and the other aches and pains that come along with birthing a child. Moreover I am referring to the aches and pains that continue to dwell deep within my heart and mind.
Labor. It prevents me from sleeping well, thinking rationally, relaxing, and being happy. Labor is what I endure day in and day out, forced to live on this earth with the biggest piece of me that will always be missing. Labor is what plagues my mind, wondering if I made the right decisions, regretting having done some things, regretting not doing others. Labor is what crushes my heart every night when I lie down and think of nothing but my children; my heart cries out for them. Labor is what causes me to wonder how I might make it through another day without my sons. Labor is worrying that some of the best friends I have, may also learn what it is like to experience this. It is the constant worry of losing another one of "my SMA children". It is also the constant worry of losing Murphy. Labor is also worrying about my daughter not knowing her brothers and fearful of what it may be like for her to be an only child. Labor is exhausting. It is an endless worry that I can never shake. It will be with me until my heart is no longer beating. What I wouldnt give for an epidural for this type of labor - right now and for the rest of my life.
I miss you terribly Marshall. Every single minute of every day I wonder what life would have been like if only you could have been here still today. It busts me all up when your sister asks for you, points to your pictures, sits on your bench, tries to spell your name, tells me that you are in her heart, sleeps with your blanket and pillow and when I ask her "whose blanket?" She responds "MY Arshall!" Yes, yes. He is YOUR Arshall, Murphy. And all of ours too.
I would go through a lifetime of childbirth labor if only I could escape the hellish labor I currently live with day in and day out. I would have given my life for yours Marshall. I miss you, Pal. Happy Birthday, Son.
Member
Reged: 03/17/05
Posts: 3822
Loc: Red Sox Nation August 16
#287018 - 08/16/06 07:13 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply
Today my first born should have turned 4 years old. Instead, his birth is marked by painful and increasingly distant memories. From my journal:
~~~4 years ago~~~9:08pm
I am feeling rather emotional. This is likely to become long. I am crying before I even write anything!
I have no idea why my emotions are such a mess lately. It could be the fact that my child was supposed to turn 4 years old tomorrow. It could be the fact that he barely turned 4 months - nevermind 4 years, before we were forced to say a final goodbye and put him into the ground.
It could be the recent wave of little boys (those born and those expected to be born) all around us. It is so hard not to be jealous. I want my sons more than anything in the world right now. And I am painfully aware that it just is not possible.
So where was I?
4 years ago, almost at this very second, my water broke. At that second I began a journey of labor without even having a real sense of what the word truly meant. I am not talking about contractions and the other aches and pains that come along with birthing a child. Moreover I am referring to the aches and pains that continue to dwell deep within my heart and mind.
Labor. It prevents me from sleeping well, thinking rationally, relaxing, and being happy. Labor is what I endure day in and day out, forced to live on this earth with the biggest piece of me that will always be missing. Labor is what plagues my mind, wondering if I made the right decisions, regretting having done some things, regretting not doing others. Labor is what crushes my heart every night when I lie down and think of nothing but my children; my heart cries out for them. Labor is what causes me to wonder how I might make it through another day without my sons. Labor is worrying that some of the best friends I have, may also learn what it is like to experience this. It is the constant worry of losing another one of "my SMA children". It is also the constant worry of losing Murphy. Labor is also worrying about my daughter not knowing her brothers and fearful of what it may be like for her to be an only child. Labor is exhausting. It is an endless worry that I can never shake. It will be with me until my heart is no longer beating. What I wouldnt give for an epidural for this type of labor - right now and for the rest of my life.
I miss you terribly Marshall. Every single minute of every day I wonder what life would have been like if only you could have been here still today. It busts me all up when your sister asks for you, points to your pictures, sits on your bench, tries to spell your name, tells me that you are in her heart, sleeps with your blanket and pillow and when I ask her "whose blanket?" She responds "MY Arshall!" Yes, yes. He is YOUR Arshall, Murphy. And all of ours too.
I would go through a lifetime of childbirth labor if only I could escape the hellish labor I currently live with day in and day out. I would have given my life for yours Marshall. I miss you, Pal. Happy Birthday, Son.