Will My Toddler Feel Left Out?

QUESTION: I am expecting my second child in June, and my first will be 2 in July.  I plan on nursing this baby also, but I am worried about my toddler feeling left out.  Do you have any suggestions? 

Thank you.

I love this question!  When a mother is pregnant with her second baby, she seems to have a little tape recorder in her brain that keeps repeating, "Will I ever love another baby as much as I love my first?"  Then, as nature dictates, you find yourself with this perfect, easy, new baby and quickly your heart is won over.

A healthy 2 year old will begin having "Braxton-Hicks contractions" (meaning she's getting nervous) at least a month before her sibling is due.  No matter how you have tried to "prepare" her, she will sense that something very big and important is going to happen.  Whenever anybody new joins any organization, everyone needs to do a little adjusting.  When there is a major life change for a 2 year old, she too will need to do this "work".  Typically, she will become much more needy, whiny, demanding, and clingy.  In order to make her feel secure, she will need to know that she has two powerful, in control parents.  These are parents who can set limits well (not punitively or abusively) and who can tell her in their own way that even though she is feeling out-of-control, her parents are very much in control of the situation.

Now, setting limits was something that you became acquainted with most likely when Lily was around 15 months old.  Everybody has their own style, but I like to think of setting limits with a child as simply helping her learn what is socially acceptable behavior, not a way of punishing a child.  So although you have had a few months of learning how to be a loving disciplinarian, commonly this becomes more difficult when the new baby arrives.  I think that this is because there is a new ingredient called "GUILT".

Most mothers feel guilty for several reasons: (1) they are not as available to their child after a baby is born because they are so physically exhausted; (2) perhaps they are so emotionally sucked into the new baby that they are not quite as enamored by the temper tantrums of the 2 year old; and (3) they realize the decision to have a new baby was theirs, but it is their 2 year old who has to do the bulk of adjusting.  When you feel guilty you tend to avoid confrontation and limit-setting.  Lily will probably be most demanding when you try to nurse the new baby or when you put Lily to bed.  If you try to make life "fair" and, for example, read her a story every time you nurse the baby, you will soon find yourself exhausted and Lily pushing harder and harder for limits.

I think it helps to understand what Lily really needs, and that is reassurance that you still love her and yet proof that you still have high expectations for her behavior, unchanged from before the birth of the baby.  Remember when people have high expectation for you, this is a complement. It means, "I believe in you."  When people reduce the level of expectation for your behavior, it says "I think you need me, I don't think you can do it by yourself."

There will probably be nobody in Lily's life who will help her learn how to be in intimate relationships more than this new baby will.  Whether she is close to her new brother or sister or not, this is the person who will teach her how to share and to compromise, and with whom she will learn all of the other difficult things we need to know in life to get along with people.  So, the first couple of months will be some work for Lily.  But this will also be a gift for her.

I'm not good at being concise, but I would suggest the following.  When you need to nurse your new baby, ask Lily, as much as possible, to take care of herself (just like when you need to talk on the telephone to a friend).  Second, numerous times during the day, simply acknowledge Lily's presence.  A squeeze of her shoulder, a comment such as, "Oh, you took your socks off all by yourself.  What a big girl!"  Nothing particularly engaging, just acknowledgments.  Finally, I'd rephrase most of your statement to her and put them as a choice. "Lily, do you want to sit next to Mommy or Daddy at dinner", instead of "Lily, time to come to dinner."  For Lily, having choice is having power.

This is not all about breastfeeding, but it will surely make breastfeeding your new baby a little easier!

Dr. Jane Morton, Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at Stanford University School of Medicine, is an expert on nursing premature infants as well as a member of the Breastfeeding.com medical advisory board. Dr. Morton has answered several of your breastfeeding questions.  Look for more Q&A forums with Dr. Morton in the future.

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