Calories that Don't Count
Dieting with a sense of humor
  Food
on foot: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly
why is not clear but the current theory relates to gravity. The
calories apparently bypass the stomach, flowing directly down the legs
and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity.
Walking appears to accelerate this process, so that an ice cream bar
or hot dog eaten at the state fair actually has a calorie deficit.TV food: Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food, but all recollections of having eaten it.  Balance
food: If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each
other out.Food for medicinal purposes: Food used for medicinal purposes never counts. This includes hot chocolate, malted milk, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake. Food on toothpicks: Sausage, mini-franks, cheese and crackers are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom. Children's food: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby-food custard, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to and including cookies baked to send to college. Custom-made food: Anything somebody makes "just for you" must be eaten regardless of calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Our kind intentions will not go unrewarded!
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