 Food
on foot: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly
why is not clear but the current theory relates to gravity. The
calories apparently bypass the stomach, flowing directly down the legs
and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity.
Walking appears to accelerate this process, so that an ice cream bar
or hot dog eaten at the state fair actually has a calorie deficit.
TV food: Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories.
This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates
not only the calories in the food, but all recollections of having
eaten it.
 Balance
food: If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each
other out.
Food for medicinal purposes: Food used for medicinal purposes
never counts. This includes hot chocolate, malted milk, toast and Sara
Lee cheesecake.
Food on toothpicks: Sausage, mini-franks, cheese and crackers
are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion
of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
Children's food: Anything produced, purchased or intended for
minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a
wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby-food custard, consumed
for demonstration purposes, up to and including cookies baked to send
to college.
Custom-made food: Anything somebody makes "just for
you" must be eaten regardless of calories because to do otherwise
would be uncaring and insensitive. Our kind intentions will not go
unrewarded!
This article is unattributed. If you know who the author is, please
email us at feedback@breastfeeding.com
so we may properly credit he or she!
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Breastfeeding
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