A Funny Field Guide to Mothers

I have often wondered, during those rare times that I manage to go out in public without my children, if I bear some distinguishing mark that identifies me as a mother. Certainly, I must exhibit some characteristics unique to all mothers, regardless of age or income level. As a bird watcher looks for an unusual crest, or listens carefully for a certain songbird's call, could not a mother watcher locate a women with children, even if she did not have her children with her?

Carrying this one step further, I began to develop the theory that not only can one recognize a mothers, but can identify the various states of motherhood that the particular mother might be in. On this premise I have created the following field guide for recognizing North American Mothers.

Onno and Marieke Bruin.

Hatchling Mother - birth to 6 months: She may, while standing in line at the grocery store, gently bounce a 25-pound sack of potatoes on her hip in order to keep them entertained. She may, upon hearing someone else's baby cry, cross her arms across her chest to stop the involuntary milk let down reflex. She is likely to have mastered the ability to pick things up with her feet without interrupting the ritual baby dance. She will undoubtedly exhibit the universal signs of new motherhood: dark circles under her eyes, and a spit up stain down the back of her left shoulder. An examination of her purse contents will reveal baby Anbesol, Tylenol with the dropper top, the pediatrician's office, beeper and home phone numbers, a two-week-old list of things to do (still undone), a few birth announcements that have not been addressed and a large bottle of extra strength Tylenol for herself.

Nestling Mother - 6 to 12 months: She can be picked out of a crowed by looking for a woman who double ties her shoes, smells faintly of diaper wipes and apple juice, and has one arm much stronger than the other. She will jump to catch any falling object she might see out of the corner of her eye, and will have it in her hand before she even realizes she reached for it. An examination of her purse contests will reveal a set of brightly colored plastic keys, a slightly crushed package of crackers from a previous salad bar trip, the contests of her wallet strewn all over the place, a pair of bent sunglasses and a large bottle of extra strength Tylenol.

15-month-old Austin has fun
while nursing.

Fledgling Mother - 12 to 24 months: She will exhibit a vocabulary rich in two-syllable words. A seemingly intelligent woman will suddenly need to use the "potty" or show you a "boo boo." She will be the one who looks around anxiously when someone else's child calls, "Mommy!" At the end of the day, she falls into bed exhausted and goes "night-night." In her purse is a crayon fragment, a half-chewed bite of the grocery store's free daily sample, a plastic block and a large bottle of extra strength Tylenol.

Juvenile Mother - 2 to 5 years: The tell tale characteristics include a cartoon character Band-Aid on her finger, a ketchup-colored hand print streaked across her sleeves and legs that haven't seen a razor any time recently. She will have a grateful smile when the stranger next to her in line has their 2 year old clinging to one leg screaming, "I want it!" While driving down the highway, she may appear to be talking loudly to herself. Closer inspection reveals one or more full car seats in the back of the car. She is probably singing "The Wheels on the Bus" with gusto. Her purse contains Band-Aids, Neosporin, a straw, a Barbie shoe or a Hot Wheels car, candy, a checkbook covered with a child's artistic renderings and a large bottle of extra strength Tylenol.

Mature Mother - 6 to 12 years: She crosses to the other side of the mall and quickens her speed when a toy store is spotted. Her grocery store cart will contain three packages of family-size hotdogs, a case of Spagettios, four boxes or cereal and three gallons of milk. Savvy about the appropriate value of a lost tooth when placed beneath a pillow, she will also be the one who can help when a stranger asks, "Does anyone have some tissue?" This mother may only appear to be by herself. Look closely. Her child is probably 10 steps behind her, trailing her in anguished embarrassment trying desperately to appear alone. The contests of her purse include a permissions slip (due yesterday), a wilted flower, a Gameboy cartridge and a large bottle of extra strength Tylenol.

When using this field guide it is important to remember that a mother can only be spotted during these special seasons in her life, and once completely mature will probably blend back into society. Her migratory routes through Toys R Us and K-Mart will cease, and the basic functions of speech and concentration will return. Her final challenge is convincing her brood to leave the nest. Depending on the migratory habits of her offspring, this could take anywhere from 18 to 36 years.

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