Mr. Wakey Man Antic's

by Carol Dunn

One day, well every day actually, the lady said to the boy, "Let's try to get some sleep."

The little boy said 'gweeaww' and seemingly inadvertently bopped himself on the head with his fist. This, in little baby talk, pretty much means "as if."

What the lady didn't know is that her supposedly mild-mannered baby has a duel identity as Mr. Wakey-man. That's right, it is his goal to single handily skew the curve for all the tables for typical baby sleep patterns (Mr. Wakey-man hasn't figured out yet that authors don't consult 100% of babies when they do those tables).

Mr. Wakey-man can avoid sleep at whatever cost to his parents. Mr. Wakey-man's challenge is great. There is a drug in hind milk that puts little guys under (one of God's gifts to keep mothers sane), but Mr. Wakey-man can heroically resist it. As he explains, he has sampled a bit of the drug each day since he was born, so he is now immune. He has also built up immunities against the dirty tricks known as: the 'car ride', the 'expensive pram', the 'rocking chair', and the 'warm bath'.

This has all come as quite a shock to the lady, who really believed those baby-care tables. She has tried everything to conquer Mr. Wakey-man, including logic (explaining repeatedly that he'll have an easier time of things if he just sleeps until he can do things - like getting a driver's license).

The only way to conquer Mr. Wakey-man is to swaddle him. Luckily, her husband is Russian, and therefore finds swaddling instinctive. She never would have done it. She had a class in University that blamed Stalinism and most of the Cold War on swaddling (I wish this wasn't true) and would never have imagined that babies actually like it. (The class said that babies who are swaddled hate their parents, envision themselves walking on the ceiling, and crave a totalitarian dictatorship...go figure.)

When the little boy is sleeping like a baby (i.e. sporadically squeaking, and/or startling, and looking entirely non peaceful - except for those times he looks dead) the man assumes that the baby is not really dreaming of anything, just random colors. The lady thinks that he is dreaming of happy little baby themes--stuffed animals, and lullabies.

The fact is they are both wrong. The little boy's dreams are in reality very similar to the opening scenes from 'Independence Day' but instead of a huge ship hovering over the city, the baby dreams of a huge boob, with the little boy dancing underneath saying, "Come on down! Come on down!" which in baby talk translates to "Agwaaaa! Eeeewup! Ppphhhhh"

When will the parenting skills kick in?

One black, cold night, a cry rang out into the stillness - a call of distress. After concerted shuffling, some thumps, and at least one "ouch" - the lady and the man appeared out of the darkness. "Don't worry little guy, we'll get you through this, the Sleep and Rescue squad has arrived."

There followed endless rounds of rocking, feeding, and pleading. By the light of the next morning (which arrived all too soon, as always), the lady reflected on the thought that the Sleep and Rescue squad is supposed to be disbanding about now, not only because Mr. Wakey-man is supposed to be repenting from the wickedness of his ways, but also because the lady and man are supposed to be letting the little guy realize that he can fall asleep by his own accord without the squad's help.

The lady sighs heavily, everything is much more complex now. She heard from a friend that she is supposed to be on a four hour feeding schedule by now. Well, there's one we've got, the lady thought, but then she realized that the woman was referring to the baby NOT eating for those hours.

"Oh," the lady thought. "Never mind." The problem is, the lady took the "on-demand" feeding to the next level, and has achieved "on-vague hint", or even more close to the "on-when mommy wants to read" level of feeding. Now as the lady reads about weaning and sees that she is supposed to be reducing the little boy's diet by one feed, she is a bit stuck, because he really has one feed during the day - it just happens to be eight hours long.

Ode to the days when the only real requirement to parenting was catering to your baby's every whim. Suddenly, there are all these things she is supposed to have achieved. The baby is supposed to be able to sit on his own for hours, wake up happy, fall asleep with no assistance, do the dishes....when will the madness stop (OK, that last one was really one of the lady's secret desires: baby as domestic servant).

As her friend pointed out, no longer are the old ladies circling with the same vigor. No more sweet smiles as the baby cries, now just the odd glare to imply that you should be able shush the kid up by now.

Since the wedding the lady hasn't really been outside for fear of spending money. Every so often the lady takes the boy onto the porch and says - "look, that's what air is called' (and yes, in London, you can see the air).

Upon reflection, however, the lady realized that things actually have not changed - just the circling old ladies have moved closer to home. There is no real difference between a stranger on a bus trying to explain how to raise the little boy, and a mother in law, except your mother in law may also make comments on the state of the house (although, admittedly, most strangers on the bus aren't 63-year-old Russian women from upper Kazakstan.

This is the part of the story where the narrator launches into preachy parenting techniques, but the fact is, the narrator and the lady won't know how successful her parenting techniques are, or aren't, for another 15 years or so when he's more likely to be able to get on a daytime chat show. But, she will say that you have to follow what feels right to you, and that as long as your baby seems healthy and happy, and you feel healthy and happy, you're probably doing pretty well. Even if your child isn't sleeping through the night yet.

The little boy has a translation of the good bits of this story for other babies (oh, he chose so little!), so hold yours up to the screen now, though be warned: he may be trying to send his top tips to all the budding Wakey-men out there!