Breastfeeding Bond

by Dora Lattish

You know how those first weeks of breastfeeding an infant are - sometimes you cry when you hear the baby waking again because you are so tired you think you'll die tomorrow.

I remember crying while my husband was changing Steven to bring him to me for feedings, because at that time it could mean another hour and a half of not sleeping, on top of the still painful nipples... I often thought, in my frustration, that I would give many of my worldly possessions for a break from being Steven's "Breastaurant" every 90 minutes around the clock.

When my son Steven was 6 weeks old, I bought a manual breast pump, after discussions with my worried husband about my need for rest. Cliff, my husband, wanted to offer me a short break by being able to feed Steven a bottle of pumped breastmilk on those nights once in a while when I was near to physical and emotional exhaustion.

The pump (Avent Isis-I love it...) worked wonderfully, and one evening in late December I handed Steven to his daddy to see if he would take the bottle. Up until then, I was really gung-ho on the idea of even the 3 or 4 hours of sleep one bottle feeding would provide me. But an odd and unexpected thing happened as I watched my husband feed our son his first bottle - I began to quietly cry.

I tried to control it, because my husband's face was lit up with pride and affection at this "milestone". But I had an overwhelming feeling of possessiveness, and all at once I didn't want that break from feeding anymore. I had not realized until that moment that despite all the frustrations of lost sleep and sore nipples, the breastfeeding bond was stronger that anything I had anticipated. It hurt my heart to see that I was not the only person that could feed my baby anymore. I wanted to forget sleep and just take Steven back into my arms to nurse as long as he wanted to.

It was a very emotional moment for both Cliff and myself, and although I have gotten past that sadness out of necessity, I still only want Steven to eat from a bottle when it is impossible for me to be there. I am so very, very glad that I had the support and help I needed to get through the difficult first weeks and continue to breastfeed my son exclusively.