Born Too Soon

by Tamara Hopkins

My third son, Jackson, was born at 25 weeks gestation. I was still breastfeeding my second son Jonas, and still do. This premature birth of my precious child was devastating. He was born 2lbs 2ozs and was 13 inches long. We did not know if he would survive and were very frightened. I started pumping right away, knowing he needed all the colostrum I could get him. I was on medication for an infection that prevented him from having that colostrum. I was crushed. But I set it aside hoping to give it at a later date.

The days went by, I visited the hospital every day, pumped every three hours while my toddler continued nursing more than ever. I sat by my sons bedside and cried, prayed, sang, and begged for God to let him stay with me. Some days were okay, some days were very bad, and some days I do not even remember. I saw the life leave my baby more times than I can count, the minutes each feeling like hours, until he would begin breathing again. All the while I knew that the most important thing I could do for him was to continue giving him breastmilk and to be there. I ached to pick him up and put him to breast, but he was too sick and too small for that. So every night while nursing my toddler in the dark I cried for my tiny one. I cried because he did not know the comfort of my breast or what it was to look up at mommy and know I was there. I cried because he got his milk through a tube in his nose instead of tasting his love.

The day came when Jackson was able to drink his milk from a bottle. I never dreamed my heart would be so happy to see my baby take a bottle. It was beautiful. He could finally taste his love from mommy. He loved it. I was grateful. Now that Jackson is home with me, we are working on putting him to breast. As always, some days are better than others. His reflux is an obstacle, and sometimes he just does not have the patience or the energy. He cannot handle much pushing, and I respect that. He has worked too hard for me not to.

The point of my story is that I have learned not to judge. I have learned that I can love my baby just as much while bottle feeding, something I just did not think possible before now. Jackson taught me this, among many other things about myself. Every day I will try to thank him for staying with me. For now, I do this with my milk; my liquid love.