A Change of Heart

by Karen Houpt

When I became pregnant with my daughter in November of 1998, breastfeeding was the last thing on my mind. I knew from the get go that I was going to bottle feed this child. I was working full time and attending college part time as well.

My pregnancy was very uneventful; I had decided early on that I would like to have a natural birth. I wanted to give my baby the best start as possible. My husband and I practiced the Bradley method, we hired a doula and attended the birth classes.

Kim, our doula, talked with me extensively about breastfeeding in an effort to sway my decision. I even attended La Leche League meetings and read books galore, but I was adamant, I was going to bottle feed Julia.

I think at the time, I needed to be able to hold on to the part of me that wanted to remain independent. I looked at myself as a young woman, newly married, fearful of losing her sexuality by breastfeeding. Besides, I would be working full time as well as going to school, when would I have time to breastfeed?

The big day came and Julia made her grand entrance on August 15, 1999. When asked during check in how I would feed my baby, I answered truthfully: bottle-feeding. Four hours after arriving at the hospital, my daughter made her entrance. I had achieved my goal of a natural birth and was relishing holding and cuddling my new baby to my naked belly and breast.

Suddenly there was a furry of activity around me the midwife told me that there was a problem, that even if I was planning to bottle feed, I needed to put the baby to my breast and allow her to suckle. I had begun to hemorrhage and was not passing the blood clots. Kim, our doula, stepped in and helped me latch her on.

To this day I cannot describe with words the feeling that came over me. I truly believe it was divine intervention there in that delivery room. I stared in the deep pools of my daughter's eyes and she calmly looked back. It was an instant bond at that moment, and I felt this maternal love and glow that nearly swept me away.

It felt so natural to have my tiny, helpless daughter at my breast. She was so calm and content there, as if she knew that she wanted to breastfeed. During our hospital stay she spent most of her time snuggled next to my breast, happily suckling and eating.

Once we were home I purchased a sling and she spends most of her time cocooned there close and snuggled, free to breastfeed whenever she likes. Julia will be three months old in a week and I am still breastfeeding, even with working full time and school part time! I pump so that she can get the benefits of my breastmilk, and sometimes sneak out during my lunch break to go home and feed her!