You Are What You Eat

by Karrie Mc Allister

I hope this isn't true, because if it is I'm a cup of coffee married to a porterhouse steak and we're raising a piece of cheese and a noodle.

Fortunately I can say that for the first year or two of my children's lives, they were made of mainly one thing " breast milk".

That's right, liquid gold, boob juice, mom juice, nummies, mommy milk.

And I'm darn proud of it. Nursing our children these days gets both praise and raised eyebrows.

We're told that it is the best thing for our little ones yet we're bombarded with formula and bottle information, coupons, and samples.

Early dedication soon turns into "please let me have one hour without someone chewing on me!"

And at some point we're faced with decisions like "do I go out and see a movie and sit there until my chest is ready to explode and flood out the first three rows of the theater or do I spend another night at home watching bad reality shows with women who have obviously never heard of words like 'latch-on' and 'let-down' and 'mastitis'?"

It's a tough one. But I'm here to tell you that I survived and hopefully to convince you that you too can conquer the gargantuan yet unbelievably rewarding task of breastfeeding your child.

Let's cover some of the main causes for quitting:

1. Immense pain.

While still in the hospital a nurse informed me that the nipple pain (rivaled only by the childbirth experience itself) would go away as soon as - and I quote -"you're nipples are a tough as the bottoms of your feet."

I prayed she was kidding because I go barefoot quite a bit and the bottoms of my feet can withstand gravel.

But she wasn't really kidding. After years of nursing, my nipples are pretty tough, although I wouldn't test them in the driveway.

2. Baby permanently (and literally) attached.

I can't lie.   It's often a pain to take your baby with you everywhere you go.

But without the hassle of bottles, formula, water, etc., the diaper bag is much, much lighter!

In fact, baby diapers are really quite small, and you can even store one in a stylish purse.   (Unless you're into the large pastel diaper bags with Winnie the Pooh characters...and diapers fit in there, too.)

Dragging your kid around has other benefits, too.   You can easily escape any situation by saying "excuse me, I need to go nurse my baby."

This great exit line will get you out of long lines, boring meetings, and most importantly, family gatherings during the holidays.

3. Teeth.

Afraid once your baby has teeth he or she will bite? Refer to #1 and the "nipples of steel."

4. Saggy boobs.

My grandmother assures me that the reason her boobs cover her fancy turquoise belt is because she nursed all six kids.

She also tells me that she's shrinking because her kids "sucked all the calcium out of her body."

She also carries around a tiny elephant for good luck and sneaks chocolate covered marshmallows into her room...but that's beside the point.

Saggy boobs don't come from nursing children, they come from gravity.

And as much as we'd all like to be living on the moon where we only weigh 1/6 of what we do here, there ain't much we can do about gravity.

When we're old, we'll all be lifting them up to check if our belt matches our earrings.

5. It's just gross.

This one kills me. What kind of world are we living in where we think that our own milk is disgusting, yet we as a society feast daily on cow's milk?

I hate to break it to you, people, but all that stuff we buy at the grocery store in handy one gallon bottles?

It came out of a cow boob. A gigantic cow boob with a bunch of nipples.

And it's really close to the cow's butt.   A nice Sunday drive through the country will remind you of what the rear of a cow smells like.

And there you have it, five worthless excuses for not nursing your baby.   There is no denying that breastfeeding is a difficult task, but it is indeed a wonderful accomplishment.

Knowing that you are providing your baby with the most natural and healthy food is a soothing smile for the frantic days of motherhood.

From gravel driveways to cow manure, I can proudly say that if we are what we eat, my children are doing just fine.

I, on the other hand, am still a walking cup of coffee...who needs a refill.