The Most Important Goal

By Jackie Vest

I am a 34-year-old mother of two sons, a 13 year old and a 4 month old. I am also a recovering alcoholic and prescription drug abuser. Because of these afflictions, I am also a person who has never been able to set or achieve any goals. The birth and decision to breastfeed my second son changed all this.

When I found out I was six weeks pregnant in March of 2000, I was actively abusing pain medication (I have been clean from alcohol for six years). As scared as I was for my unborn child's well being, I was extremely grateful because my prayers of the last year had been answered. I would have to stop abusing the pills. I had to be hospitalized to withdrawal from the drugs. This was something that will be forever etched in my memory. Not something I ever want to experience again. My doctor assured me that nothing I had done would hurt my unborn child.

You may be wondering about my 13 year old. He is a wonderful boy who has seen me through a lot of bad times. I have always been honest with him about my addictions because I want him to learn from them. Thank goodness I come from a very spiritually close-knit family who cared for him when I could not.

My pregnancy went very well, and all throughout I prayed that I would be able to breastfeed. I knew breastfeeding wouldn't be easy because I have flat nipples. I went to breastfeeding classes and prayed. I prayed day and night that I would be able to breastfeed this child. Breastfeeding was just something I wanted with all my heart.

My son was born on November 6th via c-section, and I made sure to get him to the breast within the first hour. I made all 20 people who had come for his birth wait to see him so we could do this. He did latch briefly, but after that, the next three days were tearful ones. For him and for me. Latching was very difficult for us. I didn't sleep for the first 48 hours, and I was becoming very disillusioned.

One of the nursery workers gave him formula without my permission because she said I needed to rest (I reported her). When I left the hospital, I still didn't know if my baby was really nursing or not. I rented a hospital pump because one way or another this baby was going to get my breastmilk.

Well, somehow we did it. Actually I did it. For the first time in my life I persevered, set and achieved a goal. The most important goal I will ever achieve.

Other than my battle with addiction I am sure learning to breastfeed will be the toughest thing I ever tackle. Oh my, how it was and still is worth it. I still look down at my beautiful son as he nurses and I cannot believe it is me nourishing this child. This child whose birth was the answer to my prayers. I am so proud of myself, I cannot imagine why a women would not want to do this. Breastfeeding my son means everything to me.