Magic

By Jill Goldberg

Samson did not nap today. That's not necessarily so unusual, but he kept asking for "night-night" so I kept trying to nurse him to sleep, to no avail.

We both became cranky as the hours wore on and he became increasingly tired. But then, finally around 6:00 p.m., we cuddled up together on the little couch under a blanket, and read stories. Story after story for over an hour. It was so quiet in the house, I was aware of his soft little body and gentle hands as they touched me and helped to turn the pages in each book.

We relaxed. Comfy-cozy. He asked to nurse and within seconds was asleep, snuggled in my arms. It was dark outside and the lights inside were dim. I sat there holding Samson, with no desire to put him into bed. I thought that it might be nice to just hold him while he slept, instead of rushing to do my own things.

When he was an infant he wouldn't sleep unless someone was holding him. So I would hold him back then, put a pillow under one arm and read a book with my other arm. Then he learned to sleep by himself for naps, and the world changed for all of us. I often talk about those early months with Samson, and how difficult they were. I have joked that while I want another child, I 'm in no hurry to experience those first months again.

But tonight I realized that I miss that time. Samson is a very independent almost 2 year old now. He nurses, but he doesn't need me the way he once did. I held him tonight for a long time. I stroked his hair, ran my fingers gently over his eyelids and down his nose, over his soft lips. My arms and legs grew stiff and tired. I looked at that beautiful face and saw traces of the face I saw for the first time after he was born. His legs stretch way beyond my lap now. When did he get to be so big? I am so proud of him and all of the amazing things he does. He makes me so happy to be his mommy.

Most of all, I am so glad that he continues to nurse. I cradled him tonight, and it was almost as if I was holding my newborn again.

Samson and I have grown and changed together over the past two years. Neither of us knew where our lives would be going when we began this nursing relationship together. We are so close and understand each other so well. Others comment on the joy they see in both of us together. It is nursing that has bonded us. Tonight as I held my nursing toddler, I felt nostalgic about the past and also curious about the future. For how many more months or years would I get to experience the magic that I felt tonight?

As I sat there holding Samson, time passed. He grimaced in his sleep and tried to free his arm that was holding onto my back. I realized that he wasn't comfortable and wanted to stretch out in our bed. He needed more room than my lap could provide. So I slowly trudged upstairs, not loosening my hold upon him. We snuggled under the covers in bed, together still. Samson was sleeping, and I was watching.