Margaret's Story

by Margaret Scholebo

A little about Margaret:
My story involves more than just breast feeding and many women will relate to the rest;

Introduction; The bond as a result of Breastfeeding lasts a lifetime. I would like to write this in a personal diary style writing because I treat everyone as I would like to be treated. Plus, everyone deserves unconditional love and understanding. I've been a photojournalist since 12-1988; Political volunteer since 1983 and have helped my husband raise money for the local Drug Awareness Resistance Education program among other things.

My husband and I have learnt along the way, leading by example is the only way.

Being pregnant at 17 is not an ideal way to begin your parenting but I felt I was ready to give "my all" to caring for and loving our baby as well as anxiously looking forward to the birth, but with some scary thoughts like "Could I handle the pain, how should I feed my baby, and what advice do I actually put to use when I've heard a lot of conflicting information from magazines, doctors, family and friends" In the end I just used my heart to make my decisions with what I felt was the right thing to do. I was very fortunate to have a young man who was totally supportive to any decision I made as well as financially, so I didn't have to leave my baby to hunt for a job.

I had a mother who had tried to breast feed but to no avail. I also had a few who thought that breast feeding was gross. But ultimately it was the mother's decision to breast feed or bottle feed and I was determined to give my baby the best. I read every magazine I could get my hands on. There were a lot of conflicting information which was very confusing.

You can't beat breast feeding for the nutrition and the bond which is a fantastic bonus. The bond just gets stronger through the years especially if you work at it, always show a lot of love, and praise. David wanted to be involved with the babies feedings but didn't know how which I'll talk about in a minute.

There were 2 major obstacles:
I've covered one but the other was breaking the cycle of abuse. My mother is a very hard working, loving, devoted, woman who always showed affection and told us she loved us and still does. Each visit ends with a hug, a kiss and an "I Love You". My father on the other hand (who passed away1 year ago), was very abusive in everyway possible after he started drinking alcohol. I was told my whole life that if you are abused you will abuse your own. I prayed daily to please not let me be abusive. David came from an abusive family also. We discussed this subject many times and on how we would approach parenting. Our motto was; to treat our children the way we would have liked to have been treated. This applied with Birthdays and Christmas also. It was only logical to begin a newborn's life with the best, breastfeeding.

David Joseph (D.J.) was born on May 25th, 1982. I was worried I was doing something wrong because after 24 hours he still didn't seemed interested in eating. The nurses wouldn't let us go until he fed. We tried allsorts of methods but eventually they decided to try a breast shield, it was our last resort. It Worked!! After a while I had to be weaned from the shield as I was afraid I couldn't nurse him without it. It seemed to be causing unnecessary gas in his little tummy. It took a couple tries but eventually we were weaned from it, I was so happy and relieved.

When DJ was 2 weeks old he was waking up every 3 hours to nurse and that was a very special time for just the two of us. I would look down and talk to him while holding his hand. We would just rock for as long as he stayed awake. He seemed to be responding to my voice as soon as I talked to him. I would tell him what a beautiful baby boy he was and how his daddy and I loved him so much. Every morning when he awoke we would put him in the middle of our bed and I would watch daddy play games with him. Daddy did a lot of silly things with him, it really helped with his coordination. David was very good at play and did this with all 7 of our babies. We had one baby boy who passed away at 2 days old.

The first night that DJ was home I was so afraid he would stop breathing from S.I.D.S. (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). I kept my hand on his back all night long and just watched in amazement how someone I had just met 2 days ago had completely filled my heart with love. I was so thrilled to have such a special little baby. I felt if I never did anything else except be a mother to this wonderful bundle of joy my life would be terrific. When DJ was about a month old he would sometimes suffer from stomach ache, daddy would lay him down on his tummy, this seemed to be the only way to calm his stomach ache. One night he was a little fussy so down on his tummy he went, but less than 5 minutes later David said "Can you get the baby I feel something warm all over my neck and chest!" He'd been sick all over and to this day dad still teases him about it, of course he just laughs at dad's memorable stories.

At around 4 months old we ran into another tough spot but we were determined to continue. You see it was our first time at being parents, David and I had helped with our younger siblings while growing up but it wasn't the same as having an infant depending totally on you. On one hand it was a wonderful feeling but at the same time it carried a lot of responsibility. The responsibility that you should make each decision with thought and consideration, not to be taken lightly. I would often call the local health department if I had questions about something I was unsure of and certainly did with this problem.

D.J. didn't seem to be getting full and was nursing about 45 minutes out of every hour with a 15 minute rest in between. My nipples were bleeding and so painful I had to hold my breath while he nursed to keep my painful yells inside as not to scare DJ. So I tried nursing cream but couldn't keep it on long enough for it to work. I was then told by a nurse to hold ice on one side while he nursed on the other. I think this nursing went on for about 2 months, then he started waiting about 2 to 3 hours between feedings. I also started feeding him some baby food after he had stopped the nursing. They told me he was just building up my milk supply and was probably going to be a big boy. Well he is now 20 and wears a size 14 shoe; 6'2&1/2 and over 250 lbs. He is as healthy as he can be and as gentle and loving as a little kitten. He has such a sweet nature about him. Everyone who sees him says he has a kind face and attitude. The wonderful bond we formed during nursing has only gotten stronger and we have remained very close, he is my very best friend. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful son.

I weaned him during the day when he was around 10 months old and not until 21 months old at night. The night time was the hardest because he slept with us. I put him in bed with us at about 2 months old when I felt exhausted and David suggested it. We have done the same with all of our kids and having 2 in the bed mostly all the time. My 4 year old has been in his own bed for about a year now. He still sneaks in and nothing is said, I just have one on each arm to sleep at night. My sister, Patty and I joke about it all the time, because she has done the exact same thing with her 4 children.

Back to the weaning, I didn't force him into weaning from the breast, he decided when he was ready. I've heard other mothers talk about how their baby cried for about 4 nights but then it was done, I just don't believe in that. If they cry there is something wrong and you need to help them. I also know that when they get over stimulated they sometimes only cry to calm down. I don't believe you should just put them down, I rock, carry, and snuggle with them until they give it up. They all go through a fighting sleep stage and that is rough, but it passes on like all the other stages. Treat them always with love, understanding and comfort as much as possible. Not that I'm against discipline but in moderation and only when necessary and all else fails. They test their limits starting at a very young age. The bottom line is when they are ready to wean you can see the signs, such as showing a lack of interest in nursing. Potty training can be easily conquered too if they catch on to your cues and can soon initiate them by themselves.

How does a daddy get involved when he can't bottle feed? I will tell you how David was able to get involved. In the early months I mentioned he would play with him in the mornings just after DJ awoke. He would also burp him after each feed and sing to him a lot. David did and still does sit by us while we nurse, rubbing and talking to them while they attentively try to smile while nursing, which doesn't really work very well but has brought us a lot of enjoyment through the whole breastfeeding experience.

My daughter, Jessica who is now 9 years old, was very attached to nursing, David would say "that's my chocolate side, yours is the strawberry". She still remembers this and laughs. Jessica weaned at exactly 3 years and 2 months. This is too long in some peoples minds and is sometimes referred to as a "closet nurser" due to society's perception of what should or should not be. My opinion is "Each to his own". You go on for as long as your child feels the need. I have known people who nursed until the child was 5 years old but that's a little too long for me.

I start trying to wean at about 1 year to 18 months, it just depends on the child's readiness to give up their security and comfort. It is also the closeness that they crave and have come to depend on. I know when my little one gets hurt the first thing he does is lean over to nurse, it makes him feel better no matter how hurt he got. No one should be ashamed of nursing a child because it is the most healthy way to nourish a child and the added bonuses are (researched), a higher IQ, healthier bodies, less allergies, closer with parents, just to mention a few. So do what you want and feel you should, no one has to live with your decision but you. It shows also you devote a lot of time and attention to caring for your baby as you can't prop it up and wash dishes, you cannot let your best friend feed him, etc. I have a very close bond with all of my children and each in their own special way.

I discovered that no matter how sick they were they would nurse. If they wouldn't eat they would still nurse. When they had the flu I was told by the doctors not to breast feed but just to give pedialite, So they wouldn't dehydrate. None of them ever dehydrated as they would continuously nurse.

I've had 2 girls that were "paci" babies. My first daughter, Tina, would be full after nursing but still wanted to suck, so we gave her the "nuk" pacifier. She had a much stronger need to suck than the others. Some people believe you need to wean a baby from a pacifier by breaking the habit, this I didn't do, I figured they'd do it in their own time. They will let go when they are ready themselves, never force them or let them cry, this will lead them to feel insecure. I had a friend who took the bottle away just because she was tired of getting up at night not thinking of the results it would have on the child. Every time the boy was around a baby he would go take his bottle and run to suck it. When the mom took it back he would cry for hours for the bottle. This broke my heart, to watch a little one cry so hard for something that he clearly had a need inside to satisfy. Consider the child's feelings over your own, it will pay off in the end, this you can bet on!!
I remember we had a little kitten and all day long the cat would suck on blankets, shirts, pillows, while imitating nursing by moving his paws in and out to stimulate the production of milk. This kitten had been weaned too early and was obviously still in need. So this is what I keep in mind also. If they are not ready, don't force it! Most of all, go with the feelings of your heart not what other people believe you should do and always do it with 'Lots of Love'.

My children have been close in their toddler years and up. They now go car riding together, hanging out at the mall, swimming, movies, you name it. I have such a strong bond with my children it's wonderful, even now my eldest son who is 20 respects me and always gives me a loving kiss on my head before he goes to bed at night. He doesn't care if his buddies are around or not. He'll also tell me he's going to bed and says he loves me and his dad.

My mother-in-law, who has passed away now, had 6 boys, she thought the littlest one had to move over to make room. I always told her, there is room on my lap for all of them. Instead of putting them down when I needed to nurse the new baby I just moved them to one leg and put my arm around them while nursing the baby. This way they were involved with the feeding and closeness too which helped them develop a bond as well and prevent jealousy. Another way their dad would get them involved at about 18 months to 2 years old would be to have them hold my shirt out so I could position the baby and sometimes they would lightly touch their head and lead them to supper. We would say, "Great job, he was really hungry" and they would burst out with pride.

There have been rough times along the way but mostly great. One particular time was after my first daughter was born, I thought I would substitute a bottle using my milk. I ended up getting an infection and had to pump for a week and put her on formula until I had finished my course of medicine and the infection had gone. After that difficulty was over it was great once again.

My sister Laura decided she would try to breastfeeding as she'd seen what a close bond my kinds and I had. In the hospital they gave her a formula bottle due to some kind of mix up. This was distressing as she wanted to breastfeed. After leaving hospital she came to stay with me in order that I could help show her how to breastfeed. When the baby awoke we both did too, I would help her get into a comfy position then help get the baby latched on which she didn't believe she was doing right. Her expression of happiness, and accomplishment the first time her baby actually nursed for 10 minutes was priceless! She had a difficult time but had a total of 7 months of breastfeeding.

I want to end on one final piece of Advice, it involves your kids no matter how old. Tell them you love them often and show a definite interest in what they find interesting. Give hugs freely without a reason. Every day before mine go to school I tell them I love them and to have a good day. There is no inappropriate time to tell them you love them. John Edward of Crossing Over TV says; "Communicate, Appreciate, and Validate the loved ones in your life so you don't need a medium like me to do it".

I want anyone to be able to contact me at any time. If you would like advice at 3 am, I wouldn't mind as babies know no time when they have problems. If you would like advice, share personal stories, pictures, etc. If your on your first or your 10th every one is different and you can breastfeed them all. I've very happy I've been successful in nursing and still kept dad and siblings involved, you can too. You can reach me at momy8us@yahoo.com