by Terralynn Verge
 What can I say but my son has no patience!
I was 32 weeks pregnant and had gotten up after an afternoon nap to get a shower, I noticed to my absolute
dismay that I was bleeding heavily.
I was so scared for my unborn child. I
called my husband, and he rushed home from work.
We arrived at the hospital at 12:30 in the afternoon on the 11th of
April 2002, only to find that I was already 4 1/2 cm. From
one direction there was a nurse throwing steroids in my hip to mature
my babies lungs, and another was frantically running to prepare a room
and call my doctor. Their objective was to put me on bed rest, and to
stop my labor. It didn't work. All the time I kept thinking,
"What did I do wrong?"
There was no turning back now. After being told the worst case
scenario, I was frantic in the delivery room. Accompanying my ob/gyn
were two pediatricians, a neonatologist, and a nurse. Standing ready
to resuscitate the baby if necessary. At 5:08pm on the 12th of April,
I heard the sweetest sound in the world. The first cries of my little
boy were the most amazing moments in my life. The fear was
overwhelming even though he was pink, and crying within seconds of
delivery. Kaleb Rodney Samuel Verge weighed 4lbs 11oz, and was 17 1/2
inches long. He was quite a big baby for 32 weeks. My ob/gyn was
pleased he was so strong. He had oxygen briefly in the delivery room,
and was taken to the NICU for further observation.
 No one understands how difficult it is having a baby born prematurely
unless they go through it. Staying in a hospital for weeks on end,
unsure if you will ever get home with your baby. Crying when you do
get to go home, to an empty nursery. The sense of loss you feel for
not having a "normal" delivery, and homecoming. The lack of
information and support. The guilt of seeing your baby so tiny,
and helpless in an incubator. I still feel guilty sometimes if people
mention how small he is, or if he seems slow developmentally. Not
being able to hold or sooth him when he is upset. Being limited in
what you can do for him. I had to ask the nurses if I could even touch
him through the first few weeks! No one can understand that feeling of
wanting so badly to mother your child only to be told he is not ready.
The annoying feeling you feel when a person says, " Oh yes, I
understand how hard that must be for you." Or the famous, "
Yes my baby was premature too, two weeks early." "There is
not enough education to tell people that your baby is not considered
premature if it comes after the 36th week!" I felt like screaming
at them!
No one knows how that felt for me, or to any of the other preemie
moms. I'm glad that in the NICU we had each other for support. That
I wasn't the "only" one with preemie baby. That was hard
to for me believe. I had never seen such small babies. Even smaller
than Kaleb. We were so happy for each other when there were up days.
We supported each other in the down times. I am glad to say I have
made lasting friendships from those days.
Its amazing the terminology you learn with a premature baby. I could
understand his monitor after a day. After weeks of gavages (tubes
being put into the nose down into his stomach for nourishment),
problems with temperature regulation, weight loss where he actually
dipped to 4lb 4oz, watching the monitors for desats (dips in oxygen
saturation levels and heartrate) where he would be given oxygen, a
struggle with jaundice, and all the constant worrying that goes with
having a preemie in hospital - WE WERE ABLE TO GO HOME!
D ue to the fact a premature baby does not have a sucking or gagging
reflex that early, they have to learn to suck, swallow, and breath.
They become very exhausted with the effort exhorted with this chore.
Coming home and breastfeeding was another struggle I wasn't informed
about. I was pumping constantly because my baby could not eat for a
long period of time; he had to be supplemented with a bottle till he
was strong enough to totally breastfeed. Unfortunately that took
almost 2 months. I grew quite ill from mastitis (infection in the
breast), and ended up having an IV pump for a full week after I got
home. Another difficult obstacle you have to deal with if you
breastfeed. Did I mention you become obsessed with your preemie
weight? I remember getting so excited when Kaleb reached 5lb. Things
are getting better now with breastfeeding although after months of
help from the hospital we still have a bit of problem latching without
a nipple shield.
I had slept in the hospital for three weeks or more as my baby got
stronger, and I was exhausted. Ecstatic to go home and sleep in the
same bed with my husband whom I missed terribly. The three long weeks
had put a strain on our relationship, and our sanity.
I
remember our first night home I had gotten up with Kaleb in the
night to breastfeed. I realized suddenly, as I was breastfeeding him
that I did not feel like we bonded. I started crying as I fed him. I
was such a terrible mother for feeling that way. Till I talked to my
nurse who told me that a lot of preemie mothers feel that way after
the whole experience. It happens because of the lack of contact. The
limitations put on how long they can be out of their incubators at a
time. Being whisked away after birth before you can breastfeed and
study the little features in their face. Although I don't feel that
way anymore, it took a long time to accept that it was not in my
control.
Kaleb is five months old now, 3 months gestational age. Confusing
isn't it! Trying to pin down dates for solids, and development is
impossible. We will have more to worry about in the coming years I
guess. But right now the struggles are behind us and my biggest worry
is which cute picture I should attach to this story to show you what a
beautiful little miracle we have in our arms. Take Care to all of all
of your little preemie miracles out there. Thank God for mine.
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