Against All Odds

by Krissy Williams

This story begins with the tragic loss of my beloved Mama, who died suddenly at age 54 of a brain aneurysm. She was truly my best friend, and her loss still causes by heart to ache so badly it brings tears. Exactly nine months from the day she died, I discovered I was pregnant. I found myself in shock, due to the fact that this was not planned although my husband and I had been married six years. I warmed to the idea within a month, and began planning how to care for my child as my Mama had cared for me.

I was teaching middle school at the time, and had great support from my friends and coworkers. Things were different because I was the only girl in my family now, and found myself assuming much of the role my own mother had filled for my father and brothers.

I have never been close to my husband's family, so outside of work I did not have a very good support system in place. The only other female I saw on a regular basis was my brother's fiancee, who was so disappointed that my brother had not started their family yet, that she refused to speak to me or changed the subject whenever the baby was mentioned. Now as I look back, I realize how lonely I was and how much I missed my Mama.

At 34 weeks I was admitted to the hospital with pre-eclampsia and a blood pressure of 200/130. C-section delivered my daughter, Marion, within hours. I wanted to nurse, but the nurses were not very cooperative and my milk had not come in. So I pumped like mad for the next 3 days until my milk finally came in and I was able to give my preemie all the nutrition my own Mama had given to me.

She was so tiny, and had her own I.V, so she lacked the strength to nurse.   I continued to pump whatever I could and send it to the nursery or try to cup feed her myself from my hospital bed because my blood pressure still was not down even after four days.

Once home with Marion, I finally gave up cup feeding and began giving her bottles of pumped milk and freezing any extra, which wasn't much. I felt like a failure at nursing, but no one seemed to understand because they were too embarrassed to discuss it with me.

After three or four weeks, she actually latched on and began nursing. I was so excited but had nobody to share this with, because no one I knew had ever nursed, and my mother-in-law was opposed to it.   I kept it up, both pumping and nursing, to reach my goal of six months. There were times I thought my milk was depleting, but it always provided enough for Marion. Late at night, I would rock her in her dark bedroom and cry as I told her about the Grandma she was named after.

I nurse her as I was once nursed, and in those moments I feel so close to my Mama as I hope in my heart she is looking down at us and smiling.

My daughter is now six months old, and I am still nursing and pumping. Some days it is easy, and others are a struggle to ensure that Marion gets what she needs. It is worth it when she is snuggled up to me as dawn breaks, giving me that sleepy gummy smile.