My Perfect Gift

by Tamara Hopkins

None of my friends breastfed their babies. My sister had three children before I had my first and formula fed them all. They are beautiful and doing well.

I had no first-hand experience with breastfeeding, as an adult, that is. My mother nurtured me at her breast through the age of 4. I can remember being in her arms, feeling warm and content. I even remember her smell. Her face looking down at me while nursing is my most cherished childhood memory. For her to be so unselfish and available as to meet my emotional needs in this vital way was nothing short of wondrous.

She did not listen to negativity from family, friends and society in general. She listened to her trusting child. That trust was not broken. The gift she gave me was absolute.

In order to fully appreciate why this gift was so needed and why it is so remarkable that she gave it, a brief history is in order. My mother was not a strong woman. She was dependent on others, both emotionally and physically. My father was her fourth and final husband, and quite possibly the most abusive of all four. They married the year she turned 30, after discovering she was pregnant with me. Soon after I was born she learned she had Muscular Dystrophy, a disease that has since taken her, her father and both brothers. My father continued to be an alcoholic and philanderer. He was very controlling and daily life was tumultuous at best. My mother was not always able to protect me from my fathers' abuse. Nursing me as a toddler and pre-schooler was what she was able to do for me. Our nursing sessions were safe havens; I found peace in her arms. I cannot judge her for what transpired or for her weakness. I can only praise her for her strength in giving me what she could, what I needed.

When I became pregnant with my first child, formula feeding never crossed my mind. My mother had so graciously instilled in me a need to pass on to my children at least as much as she had given me. Don't get me wrong, I could have fed my children another way and shown them as much love. But that was not what was inside of me. If I personally had made any choice other than breastfeeding, I would have been denying my mother's legacy. I would have been denying my children my best. My perfect gift.