Persistence Prevails

By Rebecca Couick

After a hard labor, lasting 72 hours, I gave birth to a baby girl we named Chloe Elizabeth before her eyes ever saw daylight. She was 8 lbs. 14 oz. I nursed her right after delivery.

The Lactation Consultant who came by to check on how I was doing right after delivery said that she had the perfect latch. Chloe was hard to wake up for what I thought were the customary 15 minutes on each side every 2-3 hours. She ate for about 10 minutes of that time.

I wasn't really worried until the nurses started telling me to save her diapers so they could weigh them. Everyone knows how little newborns pee. You can't even tell it is there unless you put a paper towel inside the diaper. So I told them I didn't know if she had....which is why they told me to save them.

Chloe was born over a certain weight and they had to check her blood sugar levels. So they came in about three times a day and took her for about 30 minutes at a time. I wasn't really worried because, after all, I did have a sign on her bassinet that no bottles or artificial nipples could be given. I roomed in so Chloe was with me except for when they did the blood sugar test and the PKU.

By the time we left, Chloe wouldn't nurse at all. She wouldn't cry in hunger but she wouldn't nurse either. When I got home, I noticed my breasts were very engorged and my shirt was covered with milk. I tried for 30 minutes to get her to nurse but she just wouldn't latch on properly. I had formula samples that Enfamil sent me in the mail (when I didn't fill out any forms for Enfamil or any formula company) and told DH to feed her while I pumped to relieve the extreme pain I was experiencing with the engorgement.

I tried and tried that day to nurse Chloe so I ended up having to pump 4-5 times that day and my husband ended up feeding her the expressed breastmilk. That night after being very frustrated and full of tears and the feeling of failure, I told my husband that we would have to switch to formula. I just couldn't keep trying any more. She didn't want to nurse. She liked the bottles more then me and that was it. My husband told me that we were going to breastfeed or feed expressed breastmilk. I had no choice in the matter. He told me I was going to do the best for our daughter no matter what. He told me being a parent is hard and when we become parents we make sacrifices and this will be one of many.

I hated my husband that day. I really, really hated him. He wasn't going through what I was going through. He didn't feel any sense of failure because his daughter preferred a bottle. But I tried, and then pumped for about a week....then just quit trying to breastfeed and just pumped every three hours like clockwork. I pumped six whole weeks with an Evenflo electric. During that time I had hickeys on my nipples and my nipples were cracked and sore. I used Lansinoh, I must have gotten hundreds of samples.

One day I just got fed up. I don't know what did it. I think it was the commercial for Nutrigrain bars that made me so mad that that couldn't be me just opening my shirt and giving my little baby what she wanted.

That day I told myself that I CAN breastfeed and I WILL breastfeed. I trashed that pump.....broke it into many pieces and threw it in the dumpster. That day I tried my hardest. I tried every way I saw in the books to get Chloe latched on and after about 30 minutes she latched on!

Her latch was very bad but it wasn't as bad as the pump was. My husband got home that day from work and asked when was the last bottle she had. I told him the last bottle she had was the one he had given her that morning. He was very upset and worried about me and her because he thought I was starving Chloe on purpose.

Before I had a chance to explain, he took Chloe and called the OB and told him about everything. The OB told him that it sounded like postpartum depression and he should bring me in immediately. On the way to the OB I told my husband what happened and he started to cry. He turned around and went back home. While I nursed Chloe he told the OB what had happened. My OB talked to me after Chloe was done. He told me he was proud of me.

A few days later I had to get Chloe's medical records. In looking through them I found that the hospital nurses had given Chloe four bottles. I called the hospital Lactation Consultant and told her what I had found in her records. She was very upset and got those nurses in trouble.

I didn't really care anymore. I had triumphed. My baby NURSED! My baby was getting what she needed with no pumping and no bottles to clean and freeze.

I learned a lot from those first days. I learned a lot from online breastfeeding messageboards. I learned that the next baby will not leave our sight in the hospital. I learned that there are better pumps. I learned that babies don't really need to eat in the first few days until the milk comes in. Most of all I learned that breastfeeding is a learned art.....it isn't something that just happens.

In the past we had mothers, and aunts, and countless female family members that could tell us how. Now we have very few people to help. But I know now to call an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) to help. I know there is La Leche League. I know there is my online breastfeeding messageboard. You have to search for help to receive it. And I am so glad that my husband decided to be bossy and tell me formula was not an option.

I learned to be thankful for my mental breakdown that day. It took me to a place I needed to be in, to push me to nurse my baby.

Now I am in tears. I hope this can offer some kind of inspiration.....information....and hope to whoever is experiencing problems..... Because I COULD DO IT AND YOU CAN DO IT TOO!