Rough Starts lead to Assertiveness

by Megan Fulghum

Any parent who has had a preemie knows how scary it can be. When I went for a 34 week check up and was told to go directly to the hospital, I was more than a bit concerned. I had developed Toxemia and my daughter and I were in danger. They wanted me to labor for as long as possible to let her mature more, but she was ready to come once they induced. The delivery went well, just a half of a half dose of Nubain and all that magnesium for the Toxemia and I was good to go. The hard stuff came later.

When something like this happens, I guess they throw that birth plan out the window. I had all sorts of regulations: no induction, no pain medicine, all procedures performed in the room, and most importantly, hold the baby directly after delivery to nurse. Well of course none of this happened. I guess you can't plan for everything. Once she came and we had a quick glimpse at her, she was rushed to the NICU. She was small, only 5 pounds and 18 inches long, and worse of all, blue.

I was not allowed to see her for almost 20 hours. I was allowed only 15 minutes to get off my magnesium drip to go up to see her. There she lay, full of cords and monitors and so small. Not the image I had prepared for all my pregnant months. The nurse told me that she had just fallen asleep so I didn't want to disturb her, but oh how I wanted to just hold her. All those tubes running through her tiny body; I just sobbed. I know a lot of parents have had it worse and their children have gone through harder obstacles, but it puts a whole new perspective on it when it is your own and you have waited all this time to meet your little miracle and the world greets her like this.

Knowing my visit would have to be short, I reinforced no formula or pacifiers. I was told that I would not be able to nurse her any time soon as she was so weak. I informed them I would pump my milk. Upon returning to my labor and delivery room, I slept for a while and was awakened by the neonatologist. She told me Taylor was doing well and her breathing apnea was passing. I informed her that the lactation nurses were bringing me a pump to collect my colostrum for the baby. She said since it would hardly be worth feeding the tiny bit to the baby I should just throw it out; they could give her formula just the same. I was completely in shock! I had researched my entire pregnancy about the benefits of breastmilk and the even more profound benefits of colostrum.   Not being to out spoken as a parent as of yet (but believe me it came later), I just shyly said I didn't want them to give he any formula just yet. Luckily, shortly after she left, the lactation nurses brought me the pump and showed me how to use it. I asked them about discarding the colostrum and they were actually outraged that a staff member had told me such nonsense. They instructed me to go with what I knew was correct and collect that liquid gold for the NICU nurses to feed my newborn.

After several days, we had a routine of pumping and bottle feeding. On the third day, I was allowed to try to nurse my baby. I can not describe that moment. She latched on like a pro, and even though she hadn't the strength to suck, she sighed and slept. I loved it. After that, each time we would nurse then bottle-feed expressed milk. This seemed to be working well, and because of my still high blood pressure, I was allowed an extended stay in the hospital. I did not sleep for at least four days after the delivery. I wasn't tired, just running on anxiety, I guess. Then came day 5. I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of the afternoon, completely over taken by depression. I cried all day, but slept so sound that night. When I woke up in the morning, I realized I had slept through a feeding. I called the NICU to see if I could come right away and the nurse dryly said," well, we called your room and you didn't answer, so we gave her formula." I was furious! They had expressed milk in the fridge! All the effort the baby and I had put into nursing... I informed her they were to come to my room to wake me if that were to happen again.

Once the week long stay was over, we took our little girl home for one day. Sadly, when we took her for her first pediatrician visit the following day, we were told we had to take her back for jaundice. Her pediatrician told me that I should give her formula because of a hormone in breastmilk that prolonged jaundice. Again, not being out spoken (yet), I complied. That night was horrible. She rooted and I didn't nurse her. She cried and all I could do was hold her. And then came the dreaded time: feeding time. I put the soy formula in warm water. I tried to offer it to her and she screamed. It stunk and looked like thick brown water. I finally got about an ounce in her. I put her on my shoulder to burp, and as I was bringing her back to a cradle position, she projectile vomited all over the place. I cried even harder. I called the nurse and told her to inform my pediatrician that I would not be giving her any more formula and I would be pumping for and nursing my child through out this stay.

Taylor is now six months old and doing great. From a little sleepy 5 pounder to an almost 13 pound ball of energy, she is such a blessing. The actual act of breastfeeding was never really difficult for us, it was just all the outside influences that were hindering. We have not started solids yet, but we are playing around a little cereal. You learn that all the advice and opinions, even those of doctors and nurses, don't always match what you know to be right for your baby. I learned to be a more assertive mommy and stand up for what I knew was best for my baby.