A Sweet Dream

When I was growing up I always knew that when I became an adult I would get married and have children. In fact some of my earliest memories include "knowing" who I would get married to, living on a farm with horses, and having a house that was painted bright red. I can still see these images in my mind as though they were created just yesterday. Being an only child for 12 years, I often dreamt of having several children of my own. But yet in all those dreams, the thought of nursing my own child rarely if ever entered my mind.

As a little girl I thought every "normal" mother gave her baby a bottle. After all, the media made it appear as if EVERYONE should give their child a bottle. As I look back, all of the friends that we had with babies seemed to bottle-feed. Why on earth would I want to be different? As I grew older the thought of breastfeeding never became any more appealing to me than it was as a young child. "Not me! I would never let a baby on MY breast - YUCK!" This thought commonly ran through my mind. Oh sure, it was fine for mothers who could stand it, but count me OUT!

Then came the day that forever changed my life. It was the day I heard two simple yet profound words. "You're pregnant!" Suddenly a change of seemingly astronomical proportions took over my mind and body. As I look back on that moment I see myself as a cartoon character, able to peer inside my own head. Inside my head are wheels and gears moving, jerking, and sputtering. Suddenly I was a very different person. Every thought, every feeling, every action was no longer for my own benefit but for that of my new baby yet to be born. And what might you ask would be the very first words to solidly imprint themselves in my mind? "Of course I HAVE TO breast-feed my baby!!" All those thoughts of "yuck" and "not me" were the furthest thing from my mind. Not only did I want to nourish my child naturally, but I yearned for the close bond that a nursing mother and child cherish together. It all seemed so simple and beautiful.

For the next nine months I was a woman on a mission. I soaked up all the bits of information I could on breast-feeding. I practically had it all memorized! I went to "breast-feeding encouragement" classes as I called them and began to develop a large distaste for formula. In my most ardent moments I would say, "No child of mine will ever come near that stuff!!" I refused to buy so much as a single ounce of formula or even a bottle before hand. But my burning desire was not met without opposition.

People would give me such strong looks of disapproval whenever I mentioned that dreadful "B" word. I could read their silence. "How can you possibly be so different? Why can't you be like everyone else?" Ironically the thing I feared most as a child was what I desired most as an adult. The most outrageous bit of advice I received was this, "You know you can NEVER breast-feed your first child!" Oh how I wanted to laugh so hard! This advice came from a girl pregnant at 15 who never had the intentions of taking the time and energy to nurse her own child.

Before long the big day had arrived. Every last detail was planned. My labor and delivery would be completely natural and at the end I would have a beautiful baby boy in my arms suckling away. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned.

Labor was extremely exhausting and toward the end I finally consented to being given Demerol so that I could rest a little before I had to start pushing. From that moment on things only got worse. I began to go in and out of consciousness. I remember coming to long enough to ask one of the nurses how long it might take to push the baby out. She said it can take some women up to an hour. That was what I did NOT want to hear! I did stay conscious long enough to push him out - which thankfully did not take more than 10 tries. I saw my beautiful new baby briefly as the nurse held him up to show me but soon I lost consciousness again.

The next thing I remember must have taken place a while after the delivery as nobody was in the delivery room except two nurses. I vaguely saw them try to latch Christopher onto me but it was to no avail. I was feeling very drugged and could hardly keep my head up or my eyes open. I faintly heard them say that the baby and I were still feeling the effects of the medication so they took him off of me. To complicate matters, I had evidently had severe bleeding in the delivery and continued to be having such. Suddenly I realized I was in no control of my baby or even myself for that matter. Every effort was continuously made to stop or at least slow my bleeding. Now every single decision was seemingly made for me by everyone imaginable, medical staff or not.

When I finally got into my own room and felt a little more stable, I turned in shock to see a "friend" giving MY baby a bottle. Every ounce of fiber in my body wanted to lash out and say, "How DARE you!!!" Unfortunately the strength was just not there. This was the very same person that told me it would be impossible to nurse my first child. Now it seemed as though she was making a concerted effort to make that a reality! My mind drifted back in jealousy to the time when she had her first baby and nursed him for the first and last time. I slowly faded out once again.

I kept insisting to anyone that might listen that I desperately wanted to nurse my child. In fact, I had gotten it in writing that these were my wishes before I went into labor. Perhaps because of my situation the staff felt that they could just bypass my wishes. All of my pleas seemed to fall on deaf ears. It was not until the evening of the following day that a nurse finally brought him into me. She said dryly, "He's hungry." and abruptly left the room. No help. No advice. I thought I was prepared. How hard could this be anyway? He latched on seemingly well to my right breast and suckled for a few minutes. I began to wonder though...I wasn't feeling anything like a let down or anything coming out of me. Should I feel something? I took him off of that breast and put him on the other side. Bad move. Christopher wanted nothing to do with the left side. So I put him back on my right side. He seemed okay. I should have just left him! But being a first time mother, alarms start going off in my head. "Shouldn't I be feeling something???" So what do I do? I switch him again! This time my normally mild-tempered baby was not happy at all. Now I feel like a complete failure as a mother. If I cannot nurse my own baby what can I do?

I called the nurse to ask her to come back. What does she do? She wraps him up and takes him back to the nursery! Again no help. Again no advice. I guess I'm no longer fit to even bottle feed my baby. My last hope was to plead my case to the doctor. With a desperate pleading I told him my wishes and begged him to help. His only response was, "Don't worry, you're baby will eat." Didn't he know it went so much further than just eating? I was completely crushed.

Sadly, my bleeding situation only got worse. My hemoglobin levels were declining fast. The doctor was desperate to give me blood. But as I reasoned with him, what is more important - giving blood or STOPPING the current bleeding! I told him it would be like trying to fill a bucket with a whole in it. He was not happy at all with my refusal of blood. I tried to tell him that I am not turning down medical treatment, I am asking for alternatives of which there are many well-known types. On the night of my third day there I got a late night call from my doctor. He threatened me that if I didn't take an IMMEDIATE blood transfusion, I would have to have a full hysterectomy or die. Needless to say it was very disturbing to hear, especially while being so deathly ill. But I knew of the alternatives that have worked and I stuck by my guns so to speak.

Finally the next day he agreed to start trying more aggressively to stop the bleeding. I was finally given large doses of iron and vitamin K. Along with this I was given erythropoietin which stimulates the body to start making new blood cells. FINALLY things were starting to look better. A D&C helped to slow the bleeding and the medications were doing their part to build me up as well.

Because of my serious condition, Christopher was not allowed to stay in the hospital with me, so he was released to his father. On the 5th day of my hospital stay his father brought him back to me for a visit. Those precious moments I had missed with him while I was in the hospital seemed like an eternity. And now as I looked into his eyes and studied him closely his looks were changing before my very own eyes. I held him close to me, not wanting to let go. It was then for the FIRST time I got to actually feed him...using a bottle. But before Christopher had even finished the bottle of formula he was projectile vomiting. His father said that it's been a problem since going home. It pained me even more that I wasn't able to give him my "liquid gold" as I referred to it. As it drew near for him to leave I found myself not wanting to let go - literally. How could I let go of him when I just got him back into my arms? Watching my child leave the room and away from me tore at my heart like nothing had ever before.

By the time I left the hospital, my baby had become accustomed to formula and bottles for an entire week. Sadly even that was not without complications. As I said earlier, Christopher had trouble with projectile vomiting. He also dealt with a cold, thrush, and "cradle cap" over much of his skin. It pained me so much to think that if only he would have had my colostrum at least, he may have been able to avert or at least reduce these problems. Thoughts continued to run through my mind about breast feeding. But how could I now that he had been so accustomed to bottles and formula? I felt my battle was lost. I could hardly live with myself. Despite the 5 years that have passed since then, there are still times I give myself a good kick in the pants for not doing SOMETHING to try harder.

Not having a real chance to experience breast-feeding has been one of the hardest things in my life to endure. I feel it was a very precious opportunity that was ripped away from my child and I. But through my pain, I still have something very precious - my son. He is the absolute sunshine of my life and each and every day I try to view life through his eyes and what it must be like to see the world anew each and every day.

I have also made an effort to try to turn my sad experience into something positive. I have continued doing extensive reading on the benefits of nursing a baby and how good it is for both mother and baby to take part in it as long as possible. If the occasion arises, I try to speak with other new mothers and to tell them of the positive things nursing holds. For those mothers who desire to breast-feed I would say that some of the most important bit of advice I've heard and experienced would be to line up people who you know will support you completely in your choice of nursing. Find someone who has done it. You will be very happy that you did! As for me, I know that if I am ever able to have another child again this time it will be different. I will be 100% ready and will have all the support I will be able to get my hands on.