Nursing Beyond One Year

by Suzie Calvin

To be perfectly honest, "wean" has been a four-letter word I rarely use. I avoid it at all cost, fearing its realistically nonexistent power to jinx the breastfeeding relationship I share with my nursing 3 year old Shelby. Just saying it, I suppress a shudder, much less even allowing myself to fathom the impact it would have on me emotionally, if it became something my daughter considered undertaking anytime in the near future.

Shelby turned 3 in June and, ultimately, over the last couple of years, inferences have been made about weaning. In fact, family and friends, most of whom have never experienced the joys of breastfeeding, much less the satisfaction and wonder of breastfeeding an older child, regularly and thoughtlessly began sharing their unwanted comments when Shelby had barely reached the 12 month mark two years ago. It began with, "Shelby should be weaned from the breast and onto another "vessel" by which she can drink," (i.e., a cup, even a bottle, basically anything, anything but my breasts.)

If I had proclaimed to having weaned her from the breast to the dog's water dish, I am certain I wouldn't have been treated with as much rejection, or even as much as a dumbfounded stare, compared to what I received in response to nursing a child age 1 or older.

I watched these anti-breastfeeding-a-child-past-infancy advocates who cringed when I lifted my shirt to my nursling, Shelby, with her mouth full of beautiful pearl white teeth and who could very articulately ask for her "me-me's NOW, mommy, I want to NURSE."

Nevertheless, even in the very back of my own mind (a mind I've been told has been brainwashed by too many La Leche League meetings and subscriptions to magazines whose covers feature nursing babies and bare breasts!), I reflected upon the fact that Shelby was now 3 years old.

Prior to becoming a breastfeeding advocate in my own right, I recalled feeling a little "creepy" at the sight of a child who could actually ASK to be nursed, then proceed to CHOOSE which side she wanted and lift mommy's blouse to access the breast herself. After all, society could barely accept a helpless and fully dependent infant partaking of mother's milk, why was it any surprise that a woman might have to fight for her right to nurse a walking, talking, expressive toddler who truly enjoyed speaking, with great pride, and at every available opportunity, about "having me-me's"? Who, just the other morning, danced around the dining room table, singing (to the tune of "Nyah-Nyah"), "I not have milk in a cu-up... I only have me-me's... I only have me-me's," when her brother asked for a cup of milk to accompany his pancakes?

The idea that society grapples with its opinion about toddler/older child nursing is comical in itself. I won't even tackle the issue of tasteless beer commercials that feature women whose bikini tops barely cover their areolas, even if it appears that society has adapted some sort of twisted sanctity that asserts beer drinking and large naked breasts go hand in hand. Even my 5-year-old son makes a point of noticing these big breasted beer commercial women, but I find satisfaction when I realize my loving, maternal manipulation has clouded the commercial's punch with a sense of reality for him, as he looks at the beer ad, rolls his eyes, then comments, "Wow. There must be a LOT of milk in THAT mommy's breasts." That's okay. At his age, it's easier to understand a lactating breast than a silicone-filled one.

Nevertheless, regardless of commercials that are unfair to breasts and their true natural purpose, and even regardless of societal influences supporting early weaning, I've found it relatively easy to remain true to the commitment I share with my daughter..... when Shelby is ready to wean, we will wean. Still, I often worry this prophecy may fulfill itself long before I am ready, even if Shelby continues an infatuation with them that, without fail, incorporates a ritual of saying "good bye" to each breast after nursing, accompanying her farewell with a gentle kiss, a pat and the words I continue to love hearing, "I love those me-me's."

While it's been an easy decision for myself and my husband to make, practicing child-led weaning, that is, it hasn't made it any easier for our family and some of our friends to accept. There are times I grapple with my own anger and frustration at having to explain the choices we make while parenting our children. But a large part of me, at least now at this point in my life, feels the desire to educate the less fortunate in these circumstances. The "less fortunate" being those who couldn't breastfeed for one of the hundreds of reasons there appears to be for this "I couldn't breastfeed" ailment that, in reality, plagues only about 4 percent of all women. I often wonder how I might have encountered so many women who insist they fall into this 4 percent of mothers who truly couldn't breastfeed their babies. In fact, a large number of that 4 percent appear to be women who are related to me or friends of mine. It's mind boggling, really.

So, then, what do we say to those who wish we would wean Shelby when THEY are ready for us to wean Shelby? Do we practice peer-pressure-led-weaning or do we stand firm in our decision to let our daughter wean at will? I usually begin by sharing with them the guidelines that the American Academy of Pediatrics published supporting breastfeeding for a year or longer. Unfortunately, for some skeptics, this isn't always enough information to deter further comment.

For those who remain wary, but who seem remotely interested in hearing more information, specifically about the benefits to mother and nursling, I often recommend reading Mothering Your Nursing Toddler by Norma Jane Bumgarner. Norma Jane is wonderful at providing informative facts that support the nutritional and physical benefits of toddler nursing, with an added twist of the also important emotional benefits of extended nursing.

For the practical-minded, there are wonderful articles online that give direct information about toddler nursing and its benefits from a medical standpoint that is captivatingly written so that it is easily understood by the lay person. Websites that come to mind are Dr. Jack Newman's and Kathryn Dettwyler's.

However, it is with the great misfortune of personal experience, that I say there will always be the doubtful, who wish to remain skeptical and refuse to acknowledge or even read up on the facts. In cases such as these, we often find it easier to give the simple response, "Well, it works for US," and leave it at that. What I have also found to be helpful is agreeing to disagree and even to discuss it no further until the opposing party ultimately reads the information on toddler nursing. As with any topic of controversy, no fruitful discussion can take place unless both parties involved are adequately informed and approach the issues at hand with their "listening caps on."

I have found my greatest support system to be La Leche League International (www.lalecheleague.org), my subscription to Mothering Magazine (www.mothering.com) and warm, informative, supportive websites like Breastfeeding.com. These keep me grounded and both validate the mother I have grown and continue growing into. (With a network of over 3,000 groups, it's typically easy to find a local La Leche League, a group of women who enjoy supporting mothers who want and need breastfeeding information and support.)

As for Shelby and I, our journey is often rocky and subject to many who throw stones at our fragile glass house, but if the glass house is broken, inside you will find a strong family of four, woven together by a deep understanding of love and compassion for each other, a propensity to make many mistakes as we grow, a deep belief in respect for and sensitivity toward each other, and the knowledge that what has worked so well for us may not work for everyone. It is with this understanding that we remain true to ourselves by not comparing the nursing relationship that Shelby and I share to what other mothers share with their children. For Shelby, it is far easier to ignore the ridicule and scrutiny associated with my lactating breasts.... for Shelby, they are "only me-me's."

About the Author:
Suzie Calvin lives in Southern California with her son Zachary (age 6), daughter Shelby Anne (age 3) and husband of 15 years Jeff. She is a retired paralegal who now enjoys being a full-time SAHM mom who home schools, is active in La Leche League and, in her spare time (HA!) loves to write parenting articles.