Weaning Amber

by Stacelynn Caughlan

DAY 1 - My Butterfly

My little one has weaned!

I picked Tuesday as 'weaning day' and told Amber about it a couple of days beforehand, telling her the milk would be gone. She was ok with it and we talked about the three of us having a 'weaning cake'. I was going to let her have something really decadent.

Monday morning I said ' this is our last morning milk'. At nap time I said 'This is our last naptime milk'. Each time she agreed. Monday night we got home late and she was very tired and cranky. I didn't want our last nursing to be full of frustration or animosity. Normally I nurse her before or even during a bath, but there was no time for this. So we snuggled up on the couch after her dad went to bed and had our very last nursing. I told her she was my butterfly and explained that the caterpillar stage was like when she was a baby, and tomorrow she would turn into a butterfly. I also talked about acorns turning into oak trees. She listened very intently and we had a really nice moment.

I took her to bed without any fuss and then turned on the light to watch her sleep. I was starting to get emotional (wait till the hormones kick in!!). I realized I wasn't mourning the nursing stage, but was moved by how she is growing and developing - becoming a butterfly.

She slept the whole night for maybe the third time in three years!

Tuesday morning she awoke at 6:15, her usual nursing time. I asked her if she wanted to crawl into bed with me and she snuggled up without a word and went to sleep for almost an hour. At 7:00 she awoke and asked for milk. I said it was gone. I was braced for a battle, or at least some sorrow-filled tears (we had tried this in the past!). She calmly asked "Can we have the last milk now mom?" I reminded her we had the last one the night before. "Oh right" she said. That was it!

She was the happiest three year old, and our giggling woke her Dad up. When he came into the room (he was in the spare bed as usual) she saw the present beside her bed and opened it up. I had wrapped up a beautiful pair of butterfly wings, just her size. They were iridescent blue with silver sparkles. She was so excited and wore them all morning, singing and dancing. I was a very proud mama.

She also reminded me that we are having weaning cake tonight!!

DAY 2 - The Hardest Day

Tuesday evening we had our 'weaning cake' and Amber's Dad gave her a bath (our usual nursing time). I put a new bandage on her owie and I took a few minutes in the kitchen to draw a butterfly and a flower on it. It was a nice way to end the day.

At bedtime she only asked once for milk, and was ok when I said no. A bit later though she piped up and said "Mom, butterflies eat nectar right?". I braced myself for this line of logic - but she surprised me by saying that's why I drew a flower on her bandage, so that the butterfly wouldn't be hungry. Phew.

Wednesday, the second day.
This morning I went back to bed and restarted my day again at about 1pm. I have a terrible cold and got little sleep last night. At 3 am Amber woke up and came into bed with me. At 5 am she asked for milk. And so it began...

For two hours she intermittently whined, screamed, cried, and slept fitfully. When she did drift off she would start to whimper in her sleep and eventually awaken and start a full round of crying. She insisted on getting up and going downstairs, but after only 7 hours of sleep I had to encourage her to stay in bed. I'm sure that made matters worse - having to lay there with the fruits of the Goddess right beside you and unable to partake. Needless to say there was no talk of butterflies!

Meanwhile I was feeling miserable. I came down with yet another cold last night, or a rebound from the one on the weekend. And I desperately ached to nurse her. I knew that it would be all that was needed to help her sleep for a couple of more hours. I pictured her at her gymnastics class unable to 'be in her body' because she was so tired.

Eventually I gave in - sort of. I let her "have a taste". Good or bad decision I can't tell, but when she latched on she let out a sound of utter and complete euphoria, and my hormones triggered that delicious 'I'll nurse for twenty years' feeling. Oh-oh. My head swam with questions about why I was doing this to her, maybe she's not ready after all, what would be the harm...

But I remembered that I do have a variety of personal and practical reasons to do this, and I knew we would hit some rough spots. I pried her off and tried to distract her. She wanted to lay around in bed, so we got her favorite book and read it a half dozen times before going downstairs. I don't know if it was just because I was so exhausted, or if she was truly in a rotten mood, but I was very glad she was going to school today!!

I dropped her off at school this morning, which I haven't done for a while (it's normally her Dad's routine). I wee bit of protest and then off she went - happy as can be...

But my emotions/hormones are starting to kick in, and my heart wants to give up on the whole thing here and now. My head was prepared though - and I know I have to see it though. It would be very unfair to send such mixed messages to Amber. She needs to see that I stand by my decisions. I know we are ready, we just hit a predictable glitch. Even I want comfort when I awaken at 5am and can't sleep. (I've been repeating the above statement over and over in my head today).

After two days of not nursing, one interesting perk (pardon the pun) is my ample bustline. Has a nursing mom ever been in Playboy!

DAY 3 - The Hardest Night

Wednesday night Amber arrived home extremely tired and cranky. Luckily she still ate a huge dinner. While her Dad was running her bath, she started begging for milk. I was VERY full and rather uncomfortable, so we agreed that she could have a 'taste' again and she drank a little bit - enough to bring me some relief.

The end of her bath was difficult for her - she was very tired and getting very defiant. I ended up pulling her out screaming. She hit me hard on the shoulder and I ignored her. She hit me again and again and although it hurt, I continued to ignore her. When I laid her down to put her night diaper on she kicked me hard in the chest - owwww. I knew that this wasn't really her nature and tried not to make a big deal about it. By ignoring her she lost interest and I was able to get her diaper and pants on. But when I sat her up to put her shirt on she let herself defiantly fall back onto the changing pad and misgauged the length. She struck her head pretty hard on the windowsill. I felt badly for her. She cried really hard - I think she had a lot pent up and I let her get it out as I held her. I carried my sobbing child to bed, all the while my heart was breaking and I knew a good nursing would easily end this nightmare.

I asked her if she wanted to sit in the rocking chair with me for a while - we did and she relaxed into me. This was where I had nursed her so many times as a baby. This was the first time we had sat together in it for a very long time. After a few minutes she said she wanted to get into bed. I let her pick which bedroom and she decided to sleep in her old queen-size bed rather than in her little bed in our room. And I agreed to sleep beside her for the night. Then she started asking for milk.

After asking and whining for the twentieth time, I sat down with her and told her that my body was going to stop making milk, I rambled on about how its ok to be sad etc., etc.

She kept asking. We crawled into bed. I said I would stay for two minutes before leaving. She whined and said I wasn't ever able to leave! And asked for milk again.

Then it clicked.

I realized what I was doing. Never before had I played the 'poor baby' tune so well. I sat up and basically, but calmly, told her to "Get over it kid, this is how it is." (those, of course, were not my actual words).

She watched me the whole time, which is a good sign - it means she's listening. Then saying nothing she turned her head and closed her eyes. When I stirred, she looked over and said "Are you leaving?" "Yes Amber, I need to go get ready for bed". "Ok Mom, good night", she said quietly.

That night she slept through to 6am - a record!! She immediately asked for milk. She has done so for over three years, so I was not surprised. I again let her have a little taste to take some of the pressure off my chest. We slept until 7:15. She awoke and asked again. I said I would count to two. One, Two. That was it. I don't think the liquid is as important to her as the comfort of my body, I remembered this is one of the reasons why I was weaning in the first place.

We got up, we were well rested, and I took her to school. On the way home I realized she's not the only new butterfly around here.

DAY 4 - Road to Recovery

Hey, this is a breeze now!

My husband and I left Amber with Grandma for a while last night. I put on my tightest sweater (to enjoy my last few moments of amplitude!) and we went out for a dinner we couldn't afford. I had too. I realized that what I am missing a lot is the rush a mother gets from nursing. I hadn't noticed it before, but without breastfeeding I actually had needs that weren't being met. They say the hormones released are the same as when someone falls in love - or has sex. I needed some attention!

Amber asked once that night, very matter-of-factly, for milk and then dropped it. She asked me to draw a caterpillar and a butterfly on her bandage - she hasn't forgotten our theme! She was cute and perky when we said goodnight and I left her room. What a great kid.

Friday morning. She again slept until 6am!!!! Too bad I didn't go to bed until one in the morning!

She asked for milk, whined a little, needed to hold it, etc. It wasn't too bad, but it is obviously still hard for her. And it is hard for me in the mornings. We used to snuggle for at least a half hour, having milk every morning. I loved that contact with her- all seemed right. The problem was the many, many mornings she would wake every 20 minutes between 4 and 7 and ask for milk. I need to remember how horrible that was. To sleep for more than 3 hours in a row for the first time in over three years is such an overwhelming thought. Lack of sleep has dramatically affected our marriage, our work, and most importantly our relationship with Amber.

Meanwhile my bustline is becoming more realistic, my hormones seem normal again, and Amber is becoming comfortable cuddling with me without craving milk. So far, so good.

Day 5 - The Nursing Couple Emerges Again!!

We nursed last night.

We weren't ready. Amber loves ceremony and ritual, and I suspect the novelty of our Weaning Day wore off and reality set in. Perhaps she didn't understand the gravity or the concept of weaning. I don't think I did either. I would never recommend cold-turkey to anyone else - why did I do it myself? I suppose I thought it was the only way for Amber's personality and mine combined. But we both hated it.

She was fine for the most part, but I saw some very disturbing changes in her temperament that made me resume nursing. I could see that she was trying to be stoic, but was falling apart. Four days was enough. My even-tempered, very polite little girl had a meltdown last night that would have had me calling the police had it been someone else's child (I'm not kidding). Her fury scared me. I took her home and nursed her. She looked at me and said she was very, very, happy. I told her she was still my butterfly. "But I'm not weaned Mom" "That's ok sweetie, we learned a lot this week".

She wants to put away the velvet bag and butterfly ring I gave her until she is truly weaned - her suggestion!

The other night I told Amber I loved her. It usually elicits an 'I love you' back. "I don't love you Mom". It stung, but was poignant. Last night she said she loved me very, very, very, very much - unsolicited. I think she was very confused and her security was threatened. I have always, always prided myself on raising a very secure child. As an adult with major abandonment issues most of my life, that was very important to me. I feel bad that this happened, but I think I stopped it in time. I feel that if it had of continued I would have changed our relationship- but not for the good.

It was a learning experience that was valuable to me. I learned that Amber matters most, and that nursing is an important part of what makes Amber so wonderful. It reconfirmed how important it is to 'walk my talk'. I knew that if I were to hear this story from another mother, I would ask her point blank "Why are you doing it then?"

Live and learn. Amber makes me alive- I made a huge mistake and she forgave me instantly. Tonight I wear the butterfly wings, I have metamorphosed into a Mom.