Alright, so it was NYE last night and for the third one in a row, I din't do anything. Just sat around with the hubby. My life is JUST that exciting... But I did have yet another trip to the ER with DS1 for the second time in a week.

 Why?!? You may be asking. Well it's my nemisis 'nursemaid's elbow'. Pretty much a partial dislocation of his elbow... This is the third time in his life that it happened. Meaning it'll keep happening till he's 5 or 6 because his ligaments on his left side are stretched out. Yay! *some more sarcasm*. Well he's fine now, and the next time it happens I should be able to put it back in place myself instead of making yet another trip to the ER. 

Isn't it bad enough I have DS2 in the hospital? *chuckles wryly* I mean come on now! Don't I have enough to think about? lol!

Anyhow DS2 is doing well on the SiPap thank goodness! I don't want him to take a step back at this point. It'd be horrible! I love being able to hold him now and talk to him on the regular while he's sleeping away on my chest.

Even though my breasts just arn't made for making milk. I was looking over some of the info on this site and it hit home quick. During this pregnancy my breasts didn't really increase in size at all. There wasn't any noticable change.  I'm stil a size B... a low size B. It's really sad for me that I just didn't have enough for him and I'm missing out on giving him all of those importaint nutrients and bonding with him like I did with DS1. I know that he got all of the little coloustrum that I had and some actuall BM but since my production just stopped in the course of a week I've been saddened that I'm not producing anything. It didn't matter that I was taking fenugreek, or pumping like a madwoman... It just stopped for some reason. No mastisis or clogged ducts, I just stopped producing. Even manually expressing didn't help. I know some of you are asking why I didn't go the prescription route, well to be honest, if fenugreek didn't work, I wouldn't expect a prescription to fare any better. 

Make any sense? Well at least he got some of the benifits... He got all I had. I'm just so sad that I can't give him any more. I guess it was a horrible combo of stress and nerves. But if your kid was in the NICU since birth and had various health issues the same happens for most mothers experiencing what I've gone through. It is disheartening though for me. I see all these women who get bottle after bottle of milk from themselves and I got squat. *frown* I'm a little jealous! But can I be blamed for it? No not really. This isn't like the jelousy I had for women who were pregnant that I saw right after having him though, when things where their absolute most critical. I'd get so mad at other woman walking around with their little ones still safe inside their tummy's and get so angry that I wanted to scream. And running into other mommy's who's newborns where healthy and not early I had the same reaction. For a minute, I thought about going to counseling to get the guilt and anger off my chest. Things have improved all on their own. I sorta made peace with myself after Clinton turned a month old and things stabilized. But, I know that anger and jelousy rears it's ugly head occassionally, especially for me. Especially when I'm sitting at a house that is not my own,  watching other moms leave week by week while I have to stay. Don't get me wrong, I'm truly happy for them, but, at the same time, I'm sad because I know that I still have a long road ahead of me before both Clinton and myself are ready to do that. I just have to keep my head up and praying that he doesn't have any more setbacks. 

The gods have been smilng on him, I just hope that they continue to do so. 

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